I thought I’d send a letter out to all of you because I know some of you still have questions and most of you are worried about me and just want to know that I’m “ok”, or will be. I have to say at the outset that I’m not lying when I say that I know God is always with us. I also know for a fact that the thing keeping us going is the constant prayers of everyone else. The thing I want everyone to know however, is that right now I’m very sad and I need to be, despite knowing Tunkasila hasn’t abandoned us. I’m really scared and I constantly think about how I will face the various scenarios. I’m living this every second of every day. I, also, think about having to sit still doing nothing in the hospital away from my kids for such a long time and in the end having a surgery and of course, of ultimately losing the baby (or both babies). Regardless of the ultimate outcome, the thing we know is that the one baby will not live for more than a few minutes, hours or days (barring a miracle of course). Yes, I still believe in miracles. Wouldn’t a miracle be something? I’m not worthy of it but this innocent baby certainly is. I did see her head though, and I know what would have to happen for this terrible outcome to change. And, I need to prepare for that, mentally and emotionally. Also, for those of you wondering, anencephaly has never been misdiagnosed. They use a very high level ultrasound and we could very clearly see the missing portions of the skull and brain. Heartbreaking. For this reason, I have to prepare for her growing to full term, carrying her the entire time knowing I will have to smell her soft precious smell, feel her soft precious face and whisper how much I love her and say goodbye. Then, I have to help Jeff and the kids do the same. Then, we have to plan a funeral, pick out a very small casket and bury our beloved baby. If this helps you to understand my every day reality and why perhaps I’m being “a negative nancy”, as someone said to me, then I guess I should have told you sooner. I still have hope for my little family, I still believe there is a chance for her sister who may be healthy, but the reality is I still have to face likely saying goodbye to one of them, no matter what happens with the other (maybe healthy) baby. Seeing the good or finding a silver lining does not take that fact away. Nothing ever will. It will always make me sad to look back and think of this time and think of the day I lost my baby. And, it should. But, it doesn’t mean I will fall into some pit of despair forever or “give up” as others have been concerned about. It just means I need to be sad for now and in those times that I think of it. It makes no sense to think of how much we cherish and love our children who are here, to then just be immediately (and especially before it even happens) totally at peace with having one of them leave us, despite knowing Heaven is better than here. Even when we know that baby or child will never have to experience pain like we are all feeling and will be better off for not having to suffer on Earth. I will not feel better off for it. Selfishly, I will always have wanted my baby. I will however, accept it. I need to be able to face what the realities are in order to one day “get past them”, as some have suggested. This is why I say things like “I’ll never be the same”. If we believe this is God’s will for us or that God has a plan, then you have to understand that He probably didn’t want me to be “the same”. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to go on. To the contrary, I love life and my family. WHICH IS WHY I’M SO SAD. Everything has changed. I will always carry a sadness deep down but I will keep moving and keep loving and keep living. Try to imagine the moment one of your children was born, that very moment when you held him or her for the first time. Now imagine saying goodbye instead of putting them in a car seat, getting new little outfits and tiny diapers and listening to screaming at all hours of the night. Instead, all you get is the blanket that held them for a moment. Now try to understand that while I do believe that our babygirl will be with God, and hopefully one day we all will, it doesn’t take away the fact that she is not with me or doesn’t get to be here on Earth. It’s how us Moms are hard wired. We are supposed to want to love and protect and raise our children. It’s not as simple as “finding a silver lining” or “seeing the good”. Imagine losing one of the children you have now. A week later could you say, “I’m at peace with it because I know she is in Heaven and I’ll get over it eventually”? Of course not. Would I want you to keep living and look at the children you have and enjoy and really LIVE the life you are left with? Yes, I would. And I will do the same for myself. I do it every day. I thank God for what I have but I also grieve what I have lost and will lose. And, I always will. It will be a part of me. It is a part of me. We still have to face this suffering, it’s all still to come. It’s still the reality that we have to face head on. Cant tell you enough how loved I feel that you all care so much and want so badly to have me feel better. I imagine you say or think the things you do because you’re either suffering along with me, or trying to find answers that are not attainable without the help of God. I get it. I just hope that by explaining what I’m thinking gives you a better understanding of some of my reactions and a better understanding of how much help Jeff, the kids and I will need.
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 18:18:24 +0000
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