I turned 54 last Friday and I have got to tell you, I feel every one of those years in my bones. Since June of 2013 it seems like my life has been a series of challenges, disappointments and heartache. It started with Dennis’ heart attack and subsequent open heart surgery last summer, followed by a bout of pneumonia and a job loss for me in November. Then my mom went through two heart surgeries and there were a few times when we feared we were losing her. There were disappointments for precious family members and countless financial worries. But worst of all there was this uncertainty and anxiety that continuously plagued me. Why me God? Why is it so hard for the people I love? What else do You want from me? Why do you keep piling on the hurts? Oh, I would pray; some days it felt like I never stopped. I studied the Bible faithfully – even lead four different Bible studies, something I had never done before. I read books on gratitude and faithful long-suffering but every day I would still be consumed with this fear, worry and doubt. I tried to put on a brave face. I’m the wife of an elder and an ABF teacher and I am on the Women’s Ministry team and lead Bible studies. I can’t have all these doubts. But every day I would cry buckets and ask and plead and pray and every day doors remained unopened, prayers seem to fall on deaf ears and my heart broke a little more. About a month ago, the final straw came in the form of some incredibly disappointing news. Another NO. It felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. I could not breathe. I could not pray. I was so angry and so hurt I did the only thing I knew to do. Run, literally, run outside. My plan was to fuss and cuss and tell God I was done with Him. Clearly He did not love me. Clearly He did not care about me. As I was running I told God how mean He was and how unfair He was and how I was finished with Him. Then quietly, so very quietly, the lines of a song started running through my mind. “I believe in God the Father” No. “I believe in Jesus Christ.” No! “I believe in the Holy Spirit.” NO I do not! Every step I took these lyrics would run through my mind. Every. Single. Step. It was like God refused to let me deny Him. He reminded me that I did believe. He would not let me go even though I so wanted to be done with Him. The first mile was just a furious battle between my will and His gentle insistence that I did believe. Tears streamed down my face but I kept running and with every step that song kept running through my head. “I believe in God the Father.” “I believe in Jesus Christ.” “I believe in the Holy Spirit.” Finally, I just started saying the words out loud to myself. There was no denying it. I did believe in God, in Jesus and in the Holy Spirit. I did believe that He loved me – why else would He chase after such an angry, bitter woman? And then right there as I turned toward my house the question I had asked so often changed: “Why not me?” Again, my breath was taken away.Why not me? Why should I be exempt to challenges? Why should I have the perfect life? Who did I think I was any way? With that change of heart, Bible verses I’d read over and over again spoke directly to me: “Donna fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down on the right of the throne of God. Donna consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so you WILL NOT grow weary or LOSE heart.” Hebrews 12: 2 & 3. “Donna, be JOYFUL in hope, PATIENT in affliction and PATIENT in prayer.” Romans 12:3 “Humble yourself, Donna, therefore under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in DUE time. Cast ALL your anxiety on Him, Donna because He CARES for YOU.” I Peter 5:6-7 “Do not be anxious, Donna, but in everything by prayer and petition – WITH THANKSGIVING – present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends understanding will guard YOUR heart and mind in Jesus Christ.” Philippians 4:6 – 7 The Why Not Me question allows me to look around and see the blessings I have. Dennis is still here, my Mom is still here and I was able to spend lots of time with her because I was not working. Our budget is stretching and we are provided for more than amply. Doors have closed but other doors are opening. Dear sweet friends have come alongside and lifted me up, hugged me and prayed for me. They’ve encouraged and loved me through the worst and ugliest times of my life. And remarkably, they still love me. I wish I could say all our problems and challenges were gone but they are not. I am still seeking answers and things still continue to happen that I dont understand. But now I am looking at them through the eyes of grace and hope and gratitude and that makes all the difference. God is at work every day and I see it, rejoice in it and celebrate it. So while I’m more worn out than I ever thought possible I am also more rooted in the Word and my walk with God is sweet and personal and so real. I know He’s in control and loves me more than I can ever understand and that’s what carries me through the hard days and new challenges. Why not me? Thats a good question. Grace and Peace.
Posted on: Tue, 21 Oct 2014 16:57:13 +0000
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