I used to compare myself to others in the spiritual world, wondering if I was as enlightened or as awake or as free as they were, and often I felt inferior. Propelled by this sense of lack, I was constantly seeking, striving, looking for some magical finish-line after which nothing would ever be the same. I think many people are hoping for some grand, final breakthrough after which all their troubles will be gone, they will always be feeling happy, they will always behave in wise and compassionate ways, and they will be approved and well-liked by everyone at last. That sounds crazy when we spell it out, but quite often, some version of that really is what we’re seeking, and some teachers and teachings hold out the promise that such a permanently unblemished state of affairs is actually attainable. It has been suggested and claimed that in some people, the entire me-system (all traces of the thought-sense of separation, encapsulation and agency—the whole circuitry of the mirage-like false self) has been totally, completely, permanently and thoroughly blown out on every level where it exists (ideational, psychological, emotional, somatic, energetic). This entire pattern of thoughts, sensations, ideas, stories and images never returns. It is permanently gone. Finished. Annihilated. Dead. I tend to be very skeptical of such claims, and the whole notion of a “permanently enlightened person” seems specious, for it is rooted in the very illusion that it is claiming has been erased. But maybe in some cases this really does happen, perhaps in much the same way that being completely and permanently free of an addiction or a compulsion or a particular thought-habit can happen for some individuals (although I wonder how anyone can ever be absolutely certain that some habitual pattern will never show up again)—but I won’t rule out the possibility. Certainly, there are people who appear to be very deeply grounded in presence and who seem to be mostly free of the me-system. But the people I love and respect who might be described that way don’t deny that they can still have moments of caught-up-ness in self-centered reactions, they don’t hold out any kind of permanent state of selfless perfection for the self as a goal, they always emphasize Now rather than some future attainment, and they relentlessly point out that there is no one to be enlightened (or not enlightened). So even if the complete and permanent annihilation of the false self does happen to a few rare individuals, so what? To pine for something that may have happened to others but not to me is a manifestation of the very me-system that “I” am wanting to be done with forever. That story of lack and the search for a solution only reinforces the illusion that there is a separate and enduring “me” who needs to have “my” me-system permanently dissolved, along with the accompanying illusion that there is a linear expanse of time over which this absence must then endure. Whenever there is awakeness to the bare actuality of Here / Now—the simplicity of what is, I notice that there is no such “me” and no such “duration in time”—the whole notion of a final awakening or a permanently enlightened me simply doesn’t arise. Here / Now, in the simple happening of this moment, the problem and the search for a solution both evaporate into thin air. Thankfully, I’m no longer seeking that imaginary finish-line. The whole idea of such an absolute dividing line and of somebody to cross it has melted away. And it takes thought (and delusion) to come up with the thought-story that it has melted away “for me.” And, in fact, nothing real has disappeared, for the false self is never REALLY here. It is always a creation of smoke and mirrors, but the suffering it generates is very real in the sense that it hurts. In my own experience, while what I’m calling the me-system is often completely absent, it can certainly still show up, sometimes in ways I consider functional, healthy and necessary for survival (knowing whose mail to open and how to cut a carrot without cutting myself) and sometimes in ways I consider dysfunctional and unhelpful (getting defensive, feeling hurt or put down, worrying about the future, becoming obsessively engulfed in some story, thinking I haven’t done enough with my life, and so forth). But there is no owner of these appearances, even if it APPEARS that there is. And whatever is showing up here in any given moment is how it is in that moment. That’s the way this Joan character, this bodymind, this appearance is being manifested right now. And the true “I,” the unbound aware presence, is not limited to that character or that bodymind that appears and disappears in the mirror or in the imagination. The true “I” is the One behind all the masks, the One appearing as many, the whole show, the seamlessness that includes the darkness and the light, the awakeness and the delusion. Recognizing this, there is no longer the belief that “I” (as the phantom character) can or should be permanently in some state of unending perfection—other than the perfection of everything just as it is. It’s not that there is no interest here anymore in waking up from entrancement or in exploring, learning, opening and deepening in ever-new ways—because there is—but it’s no longer coming from a sense that there is a finish-line to cross, or that “I” have to turn into somebody else to finally be okay, or that enlightenment is “out there” somewhere. That obsession with how the Joan character compares to other characters is gone. And I realize I don’t really know what life is like for any apparent “other”—it may or may not be as unblemished as I imagine—and I can only know and work with how it is Here / Now. If there is depression or heart ache or anxiety or restlessness or defensiveness or irritation Here / Now, then that’s how it is Here / Now. That’s how the universe IS at this moment. I find that realization very comforting, very relaxing, very down to earth, very relieving. And although what shows up may at times be painful or unpleasant, it is immensely liberating to know that it is no more personal than a thunderstorm or a cloudy day. Like the outer weather, the inner weather is the result of infinite causes and conditions. And even if the mirage-like me-system reappears on occasion and the rope is momentarily mistaken for a snake, this, too, is a happening of the whole universe (even if it SEEMS like “my” personal screw-up in that moment). In reality, EVERYTHING is simply another momentary and impersonal shape that Here / Now is taking.
Posted on: Sat, 20 Jul 2013 20:38:50 +0000
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