I used to think that the ego was something that I used to maneuver in this world. It had my face, and it reflected my thoughts out into the universe. I used to feel comfortable with the idea that it followed my thoughts and their resultant actions. But that is not the case, it seems, in real life. In order to establish what the ego is, I must establish what it is not, as it cannot exist, given the parameters of existence. And even existence does not apply when I consider Source. It Is. Source (that which is whole) Is regardless of my attempts to define or interpret it. I take as fact that which IS would not require definition in other terms. What would the purpose of “other” be? What Is does not change. That I do not understand It fully does not negate it or change it in any way. What does attempt to negate It’s sovereignty and render it useless is what I, as a singular entity, imagine it to be. That is because I am not whole in myself . . . and I cannot imagine It, truly. As I see it, the ego was formed when I became self- aware . . . when I became conscious of me. It is what I have termed as looking out through my eyes and seeing the “other.” It is my perception at work. It is watching my body, with all of its hurts and sorrows, sicken and die regardless of my attempts to preserve it. If Source is all there Is, and it is unchanging, then the impermanence and fluctuations that I “see” that are changing in each moment, cannot be. One is real and the other is an illusion, or dream of some sort. The ego is what has created this changing dream world, and is the definition of what being split off from Source would be, if it were real. It is representative of my belief in fragmentation. It is the result of the one mad thought that I could actually live without that which is the Source of all Life. There are times when I think that I could actually be Source. This grand thought leads me to even wilder imaginings as I try to act out what these thoughts have led me to believe should be mine . . . to be happy, to be peaceful . . . and to be free. Then I look around me, and realize that I cannot be It. It has been said that there, “Is no “I” in team.” Well, there also is no “I” in Source. As a singular entity, I cannot be Source. I cannot do anything that will accomplish this and establish it as fact. At best, I am a reflection of a unique aspect of Source. At worst, I am deeply confused, intensely fearful, and entirely defensive. But, it seems, I have no choice and must continue down this road with all of its pain, fear and confusion. I cannot change the fact that life has always been in parenthesis between two unknowns; where I was prior to this existence, and where I will go after it is over. This fact is what causes me problems, and allows for all pain and confusion to enter, as it seems that my life will only be preserved by somehow proliferating my singular existence. This preoccupies each and every thought, and puts the color in each day, if I would only admit it. I pursue the preservation of my individual identity with a fervor that is not always known to me, with a tenacity that ties me to this singular existence. In my desperation to deny what I see before me, I cannot believe there could be another way. And so my pain and confusion grows, even as I pursue happiness, speak words of peace and believe I stand for freedom. Even then, as time goes by and I get older, I search even more desperately . . . equating pleasure and lack of physical pain with “living a good life.” This also includes the pleasurable thoughts that I believe in the right teachings, say the right things, and act in a manner that is pleasing to my version of “God.” That this is exactly what is causing the pain and confusion is unknown to me, I don’t want to think about it. Somewhere in the back of my mind there is always that restlessness, no matter how much I attempt to deny it. Call it boredom; call it the need to succeed; call it “need” in any way shape or form, and I have discovered something interesting. This is ego. This is what the thoughts of the ego engender. And I have been given a gift in this uncomfortable package . . . I know exactly where to find the source of that pain and confusion. I consider my needs. Instead of indulging in them, I observe them. Deny them for even a short while and see what happens. It can be a real eye opener. Just say, “No, not this time. This time I will choose to do nothing.” But be advised, the ego is clever. It has survived all this time because it is very good at self- preservation. It can take that denial and use it as a means for self-flagellation, and tie you to the concept of the body even further, thereby energizing itself even further. It will tell you, ”See how good you are at this denying business? So much better than anyone else!” If you fail at this “denying business” it will be just as pleased. Good press or bad press is press enough for the ego. There will always be a lot of drama surrounding your observations. The ego needs this drama to keep itself energized and hide its true purpose of self-preservation. “You need me,” it tells you. “Who will you be and where will you go when you die?” It could seem to get even more confusing before it becomes clear. The ego will offer many compromises to you that may seem acceptable . . . if you wish to settle. It will be important to remember that no compromise is asked by Wholeness. The key is acceptance of what IS. The key is in the observance. It is in the allowing of the thoughts to flow through you like water over smooth stones. Meditation is a powerful method of accomplishing this. There is another way, but the ego cannot imagine it. It cannot allow you to realize that YOU CREATED IT. It needs to keep you too frightened of what you see out there to realize this fact. Whenever fear (or any of its confused representations) enter in, acceptance cannot. Remain open . . . let the fearful thoughts that served you before you knew about another way flow through you, and let them go. Remain persistent - do not let fearful or comfortable thoughts deter you from your quest. Do not let preoccupation with your body (pleasure or pain) deter you. If they do, gently guide your thoughts back to this observation point. These thoughts will lessen as you practice this . . . Accept what you find there with an attitude of gratefulness. Acceptance leads to appreciation, and appreciation to gratitude. Gratefulness is the undoing of the ego, bit by bit, layer by layer. What you will find there is guaranteed to be unchanging.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Nov 2013 19:48:30 +0000