I walked 3.5 miles today. Clarity happens in movement. Im going to share some of my findings because Facebook isnt a diary, but it is a place to share teachable moments for both validation which most everyone needs but are too proud to aknowledge, and for context which almost everyone needs but are too afraid to ask for. I know some amazing people that often fall short of their own high standards and feel like they have to struggle and go through alone. But we dont live in a bubble, were not confined to a box, we are going to be alright and we are not alone. 1.) I have to grow up and start acting my spirit. 2.) How others treat me has nothing to do with me. 3.) What I allow from others has everything to do with me. 4.) I no longer want to play or be a martyr so I will start addressing people that dont treat me the way I deserve to be treated with love and honesty and with the appropriate context. If that does not work, I have every right to walk away. 4b.) I do not have the right place unrealistic expectations on people without consulting with them and becoming angry that theyre not willing to or capable of meeting them. 5.) I love brown people! I overheard a little girl on the bus singing: Every time I go to school I need a number two pencil to the tune of Young Thugs Danny Glover. 6.) I am a chronic over sharer on social media and in real life. Sometimes its self indulgent fodder for gossip and my need to be validated. Sometimes its to share my testimony and give other people context for their struggles. Intent matters, even when it comes to telling and selling your own stories. 7.) Sometimes people take advantage of my openness and willing to share, sometimes I take advantage of it. 8.) I have far too many conversations about people that I should be having with them. 9.) I carry way too much baggage in the way of interpersonal relationships; romantic, platonic, familial and everything in between. 10.) I have several trust issues. The biggest one is that I do not trust myself. 10b.) I trust people even less when they seem to genuinely like me. Mainly because I dont often like myself and I dont really understand why anyone else would. 11.) I love astrology, Kemetic, Buddhist, Santeria, Shamanic, Muslim, Afrofuturist and Hindu teachings. I believe in Jesus. I love the black church as both a performamce and a spiritaul experience. I appreciate all divinities. I want to study all of them and create my own rituals and belief systems based on an amalgamation of those and other spiritual traditions. 12.) I am blessed to know exactly who I am and what Im supposed to be doing, even when I try to make things more complicated for myself because I dont believe I struggle hard enough to have the things I have. 12b.) I have struggled and am currently struggling & working hard enough. 13.) I am dramatic and have a hyper dysmorphic sense of morality. I hold myself to these high standards of morality and freak out when I fall short. I fall short often. I self deprecate because of that. 14.) I still harbor anger against my father and grandmother for dying when they did. It took me a long time to come to terms that they werent physically here. That anger has seeped over into every relationship Ive chosen to engage in. 15.) I blame old lovers for not meeting invisible expectations instead of taking responsibility for my own baggage. 16.) There are people who have fallen in love with me and loved me well that I have run from because I thought if didnt deserve that love. I deserve(d) that love. 17.) My definition of love, both romantic and platonic is changing. I wasnt okay with that definition changing, Ive been running from it. 18.) In the past 2 years Ive allowed people to get information out of me to manipulate relationships with people I love. I blamed them for those relationships failing. It wasnt their fault. They were living their truths and I needed their validation. 19.) Ive been writing a book for the last 7 years, it has had many titles and many poems. I have been scared to shape it into a real book because Im terrified it wont be met with the love and validation that I feel it will need to survive as a book. 19b.) Sometimes I get scared that Im not good enough at the things I know I was born to do (write, sing, create) to be able to survive off of them. I create from my heart, my intuition, my gut, my pain, my fear, my lowest self, my highest self and my spirit body. My flesh often tells me that none of these things are good enough. My flesh is wrong. 20.) when I was in middle and high school I always carried around a camera and people would ask me to take photos and create graphics in Paint. In college I produced instrumentals on Garageband and would stay up nightly writing and producing my own songs. I stopped learning and pushing to be better at those things because I wasnt great at them and didnt want to take the time to get better. I just wanted to be good and I wasnt. Im revisiting those talents now and fighting with myself to better at them. 21.) This is a poem, its going in my book. Its an over share that some people will read and be touched by. Some people will wish I had had kept some of these things to myself. 22.) I struggle with feeling genuine. I get scared that people wont accept me, and that my genuine self isnt good enough, or that people wont believe that my authentic self is authentic. 23.) This poem/post is riddled with fears about social validation. Sometimes I need that. Sometimes other people need that. 24.) There are people I need to seek forgiveness from. I havent because of guilt and the way Ive talked so badly about them because of my own immaturity. Very few of those people I also want apologies from. I may never get them, I should apologize anyway. Not sure if I will ever ever have enough courage to do that, but I pray I will. 25.) Im working on the way I talk about people. People have done wrong to me, and people Ive wronged. Its a process, a scary process that I have to be mature enough to endure and humble myself to go through. Gossip and talking shit is not the way people, especially oracles should operate. 26.) I am an Oracle and Griot, my words and intentions are powerful. 27.) I am horrible with my money. I like being depended upon, I offer people things with expectations of validation which makes it easier to cry broke when I shouldnt be. And make it easier to push people away for not being able to offer reciprocity/blame relationships ending on me giving too much and them not giving me enough. 28.) There is nothing noble in being a martyr, nor is there anything noble in saving people who need not my saving. 29.) I battle with anxiety, depression, and attention deficit. I havent lost those battles yet and dont plan to. Im still here. 30.) I smoked cigarettes as a way of self-affliction, coping with anxieties, depression, attention deficit. 31.) In my most depressed/desperate moments Ive always wondered why people say at least Im here, living, woke up this morning as as if death is the worst of punishments, but also lament about how to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord and speak so highly of the after life/spirit world. 32.) I love my intersections, but am often torn between labeling myself a million things and rejecting labels. But I like labels and intersections, and walls that need be torn down. 33.) I should write more poems and songs they save my life. 34.) I am a consistently inconsistent communicator. I am working on this. 35.) I have amazing new ideas everyday. I have a real problem following through on and executing them. Even things I am excited about get thrown to the way side. 36.) I cannot wait for Saturn to return for me. I have a plan and I know the universe has its own plan, but Im excited about my life being turned upside down its head and shaken up. I need need to be shaken up.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 01:55:54 +0000