I want to stand on an edge of a building, and view the world all around me. I want to view the hustle and bustle constantly going on. Not too close though, because I am scared of heights. Dont get me wrong if I trust what I stand on to be stable then I am fine. Or if the person I am with is someone that I trust and they say its fine then I will do it. Lets forget that statement though, because I will always conquer my fears. I have always been the type of person that even if I am scared out of my freaking mind I will go through with it. Dont worry! I am on medication for anxiety. Oh let me tell you the worry runs off me like water in the shower. Anyway...Where was I?...Oh yeah! I want to step into that environ, and relish in the activity all around me. A few months ago I had a plan to do just that. I woke up one day, and wanted to transplant myself in a new environment, and see how life is lived there...Something perpetually new. Bring myself up to the level of awareness that I had never known. I almost died a few months ago, and I came through with such a lust for all things that I never had before. There is so much of this world that I have never known, and I decided that I want to see as much that life can offer as I can. There has always been things holding me back though. I have forever been the awkward one in crowds. I always have been, and unfortunately I may always be. I work through it, and I always make sure that I am surrounded by people. I am an extreme introvert. As wise men say, The only person standing in our way is ourselves. Or did I just come up with that myself? Who knows? Ill just give credit to Obi Wan. Silence has always been my downfall and my reassurance that all will be well. When I am silent all that I have to do is sit back, and just enjoy the ride that life has given me. I have to tell you sometimes people will bring up the craziest ideas, and so a lot of the time when you are talking to me I am laughing till I cry...well, on the inside. They say that silence is golden. If thats the case then I am the king, baby! Am I sure that others want my opinion? Maybe. Am I concerned about it? Honestly not a lot. I have spent so long in the shadows that I think I awake others with the element of surprise...Not to be confused with Silent Bob. That character should be some kind of religious guru. Have you ever been seemingly caught in one of those conversations that seems so pointless that you are merely biding your time looking for an exit? That happens to me all of the time. Its not that I am not interested about people, but I always seem to hear the same conversations. It was kind of like how I viewed high school. I was acing the classes and was ahead in credits, but I think it was mainly because we studied the same thing year after year. I would simply sit in class, stare out the window, and still make an A. Yes, sir, it boggles even my mind. Education has become a joke now...In my opinion. All that the schools are interested in around here is how well the students do on the ISTEPs. It is sad that they only care about what gives them their funding. Like in anyway though you have to do whatever it takes to keep a job. I view myself as a mediocre intelligent person. In saying, I know more than I let on. Sometimes I can notice the frustration when I am silent. There is always that inevitable hand pointed towards you trying to coax you into the conversation. It is not that I ultimately do not want to share my opinion, but my silence first started due to my speech impediment. I stammer, and growing up I was always embarrassed by it. I think that my opinion is as vital as anyone elses, but I do at times feel that it is better for me to just be silent. Which is funny, because I went to school for radio broadcasting; and then for psychology. So it is evident that I want my voice out there.I just seem to have a hard time of it. So, if you are talking to me, and I do not say a word. It is not that I do not care, but that I may be wondering when you will- if you even want- be expecting an opinion. Although sometimes I have been talking to people- many times actually- and stated, What the #@$% are you talking about? So, in closing, I will apologize upfront, and utter a lie...Like telling you I suffer from tourettes.
Posted on: Sun, 17 Nov 2013 21:41:05 +0000
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