I was given a writing prompt that said to write about Jesus falling in love with Beyoncé. Sorry, its really weird. Beyoncé sat at the vanity in her bedroom, next to the window that looked out onto the woods behind her house. She wore only a bathrobe and a towel wrapped up on top of her head. Looking intensely into her own eyes, she said “I am fabulous.” I agree, said a voice from behind her. She whipped around to see a person in a wrinkled, navy blue suit standing behind her. The person had a very strange skin color… Something like an olive green mixed with light purple. They had a slightly lanky build and their facial features didn’t do much to signify gender. Who are you? What are you doing in my house? Beyoncé asked. Why, I am Jesus, the person said. As for my business here… Well, I was informed by my associates that many, many people have been praying about some wonderful woman and how they’d like her to fall in love with them. The requests were so significantly higher for her than for anyone else that I figured I should stop by and see about her for myself. Beyoncé stared at this person claiming to be Jesus. “You’re pulling my leg.” No, but I can if you want, the strange character said. Jesus picked up one foot, stretched it out toward Beyoncé — literally stretched; it was like elastic — put it down in front of her, and let the other leg up off the floor. Jesus snapped across the room like a rubber band, standing stock still in front of Beyoncé. She felt a hand placed a hand on her thigh. No! I don’t need some creepy, alien-colored, hobo guy pretending to be Jesus assaulting me in my own home. Beyoncé hauled back like she was going to hit Jesus. Jesus let out an exasperated sigh. “Please. I am not a guy.” A pause. “And I’m not alien-colored! Why does everyone always say that….?” Jesus seemed not to be asking Beyoncé but the air between them. So you’re a girl then? No. Oh. Yep. You’re Jesus? Yeah. Okay. Right. So anyway, as I was saying—- Why do you look so messy? Beyoncé asked. Messy? Is this how messy looks? I wasn’t really sure. In heaven we don’t wear clothes, so when I came to Earth I wasn’t really sure how to go about things. Also I slept on a train on the way here. I materialized in the wrong city. Jesus said. Right. Well your shirt is untucked and your tie is on backward and everything is really wrinkly. Is that bad? Generally. Here, let me—- Beyoncé reached out to turn Jesus’s tie the right way around. She tried to smooth out the jacket to no avail. Want me to iron that for you? Um… Sure. Beyoncé began to help Jesus take off their jacket. Their eyes met, and they paused. Jesus leaned forward and gave Beyoncé a kiss. You’re lovely. I’m in love with you. We should get married, Jesus said. Okay, Beyoncé said. They left the house and went to the nearest church and got married as soon as possible, Beyoncé in a bathrobe and a towel turban, Jesus in a wrinkly suit and a backward tie. They lived happily ever after as Mrs. Beyoncé Knowles and Mr. Jesus Knowles. The end.
Posted on: Sun, 02 Feb 2014 02:49:58 +0000
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