I was looking at my pal Marks blog over on Practical Pick Up, and read through a blog post he has up on something he calls Chronic Texter Syndrome, referring to American girls who are on their cell phones texting all the time, even throughout the course of a seduction. I put a post up on phone calls and text messaging on dates in early February discussing exactly this phenomenon, and on Marks blog I noted in a comment that this is by no means restricted to women in America. It happens in China too, and Ive seen it in other countries Ive visited over the past year. I dare say at this point that its a worldwide phenomenon. The other thing I noted in my comment to Marks blog post is what I want to focus on in todays post here: specifically, on being girls secret lover. Because often, when girls are calling or texting in front of you, the people theyre contacting are the more public people in their lives, with whom they must keep up appearances. Oftentimes, the reason youre getting texted or called in front of in the first place is exactly because you arent a public part of her life with public influence and accountability... and if you ask me, this is a very good thing. Secret Lover: Being Her Mystery Man When you are a girls secret lover, no one from her life can know you, or much about you. They may hear vague whispers or mentions of you from time to time, possibly if your girl slips up and says something about you she didnt mean to, but theyll often never see your picture and quite possibly not ever even meet you in person. My girlfriend calls me her secret lover, because only her best friend and her eldest sister even knows I exist (though not even that we are in fact lovers). My previous girlfriend before this current one showed my picture to a few of her workmates, but none of her friends or family outside of work ever knew about me, with the exception of her brother toward the end of our relationship. And other girls Ive bedded recently have shushed me as they took phone calls from people theyd rather not have know I existed, or excused themselves momentarily to reply to texts that simply couldnt wait. And when I get this treatment... Im very happy. But unlike me, many men who receive this treatment end up angered at it, pulling their hair out in frustration. Why cant her friends and family know about me? they ask. Whats so wrong with me that I have to be this big secret? I suppose that had I been rudely plunged into the position of secret lover some four or five years ago, Id have resented it as well. I wanted my girl to be proud of me; I wanted to be a public part of her life. I wanted people to know she was my girl. The thing about being with a girl publicly, though, is that there are certain distinct disadvantages that come with a public association. They include: Official boyfriend duties: shopping trips, fancy dinners, outings with her friends. Friends and family keeping close tabs on you: policing your girls relationship, sticking their noses in where they dont belong and causing lots of unneeded drama (Hes going on that trip without you? Thats not right. Thats not right at all), pushing for settling down in the relationship (Are you guys exclusive yet? How come I never see the two of you together? When is he going to get serious and propose?), and just generally sucking up a lot of your time. The risk of resentment: once everyone knows youre her man, if youre not doing what she thinks a public boyfriend should do, shes going to begin resenting you for making her look bad publicly. Youll start getting lots of frustration and drama from her for not fulfilling your role. When youre a womans secret lover, though, youre far freer of those drawbacks: little or no official boyfriend duties; friends and family not able to police your relationship (because they dont even know you exist); little resentment from your girl because theres no public expectations for you to fail to meet. The secret lover is freedom: freedom to have a real relationship with a girl without others meddling and pushing their own expectations, and freedom from having the girl become mentally distressed that you arent meeting her expectations for what she needs from a public lover to make her look good to her friends and family. Setting Yourself Up as a Girls Secret Lover How do you end up in the secret lover position? Firstly and importantly, you must avoid meeting people from her life. Once people from her life have met you, you become real and now they want to know how the two of you are doing, and pressure starts building on your girl to see progress in the relationship. Eventually they get more direct in their busybody activities, asking when youll move in, or get married, or have children, and things of that nature. All of this steps up the pressure on your girl and basically forces her to put that pressure in turn onto you. Rule #1, then, is to not meet the people from her life, and remain at worst an abstract idea of a boyfriend, and at best an entirely secret lover that her friends and family dont even know exists. Rule #2 is to make it clear to her that you like the role of secret lover and prefer it over the public rule. I think this is better, I tell girls now. This way, I can be me, and you can be you, and no one is pressuring us to live the kind of life they want us to live, or have the kind of relationship they want us to have. Its just us, and we dont have to worry about anyone else. They always tend to agree with me that this is in fact superior to me serving in a public boyfriend role. The final rule is to avoid doing overly couple-y things. That means no shopping trips; no fancy dinners; no hanging out with her and her friends. None of that. What should your time spent together look like then? Well, Ill tell you what mine looks like: me, relaxing at home, and then my girl comes over, and we talk a bit, and she maybe cooks me some food, and then we go to bed. Sometimes girls spend the night and go to work the next day, or sometimes they go home the same night. And thats pretty much all we do. Very occasionally, we go out to dinner (typically to a restaurant the girl wants to go to, and typically she pays) or go take a walk. To recap, if you want to be a girls secret lover, you should: Not meet people from her life, Make it clear to her that you prefer the secret lover role, and that it gives the two of you the chance to have a relationship thats free and real and doesnt have other people meddling in it, and Avoid doing over couple-y things that might make her start seeing you as a full-fledged boyfriend. Stick to those three rules and youll be able to stay the secret lover for a long time. But What If You Want to Go Public? You might be saying to yourself, Okay, well, thats great and all, but I dont want to be a secret lover. I want people to know were together! And, while I dont particularly see how this benefits the man in a relationship much, if at all, I can understand; I suppose it makes one feel more secure. But hear this: even if you want to be a public lover, its best to start out as a secret one. Whys that? Well, its chiefly because if you start out as a public lover, youll get public lover treatment from the outset. That means your girl is going to try as hard as possible to position herself as ideal public lover material, and her forgotten past is going to stay forgotten; youll never get to know her for whom she really is. That also means youre going to have a lot of pressure and expectations lain on you before you really even know exactly how far youre willing to go with this girl. If you ask me, thats kind of a raw deal. When you start out as the secret lover, you deal with none of those problems, and get to learn about your woman slowly and far more honestly than a public lover ever would. If you start the relationship out with no indication that it might someday shift to the public side, youll truly get to know the girl and find out what youre getting before you make that switch. The other benefit to you is this: all that pressure she gets from friends and family following the shift to you being a public lover is more manageable when she knows you better. Once she already knows you from a good chunk of time spent as secret lovers for one another, shes going to be more devoted to you, more loyal, care for you more, and have a deeper connection to you. That means that shell be more resistant to others pressuring her; shell take it personal if they do, and take your side and come to your defense more often when you arent around and people are telling her what you should be doing or how you ought to be treating her or running your relationship. Because of these reasons, even if you want to be public, I recommend you start out secret. Being a secret lover is great. Youre free from much drama and pressure; honesty and truthfulness abounds; and the relationship is allowed to grow at its own pace and go in its own direction without people who arent a part of that relationship trying to meddle with it and steer it toward where they think it ought to go. If youve never been a girls secret lover before, why not try it with the next girl you see on something approximating a regular basis? Its a great deal of fun and an extremely rewarding experience, I assure you. Once you go secret, you wont want to go back.
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 11:31:08 +0000
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