I was really blubbering tonight (have been a lot lately) but how could I not lose it while listening to this violin (that could have been part of a Civil War reenactment) play Auld Lang Syne and while reading these words: She looked at Pa sitting on the bench near the hearth, the firelight gleaming on his brown hair and beard and glistening on the honey-brown fiddle. She looked at Ma, gently rocking and knitting. She thought to herself, This is now. She was glad that the cozy house, and Pa and Ma and the firelight and the music, were now. They could not be forgotten, she thought, because now is now. It can never be a long time ago. The kids rushed in and gave me hugs, and asked why I was sad. And I was honest. I miss my Dadd. I dont know how to not miss my Dad. Thats like asking someone not to miss the stars, or the majesty of colors in a sunset. Its asking someone not to miss the safest, warmest love theyve ever known, because a Fathers love is like no other. Were coming up on our first Thanksgiving without him here sitting with us. Last Thanksgiving was the final time my whole family was together, and my emotions are constantly just under the surface. And though I know he is doing greater things now than I can possibly imagine, and that I will see him again some magnificent day, the daddys-little-girl side of me wants him visibly here, right now. It will be a year at the end of January since he passed. A year that I have not had his green eyes to stare into. A year that my daughter has not had the chance to play and pull on his beard and see him smile. Or see my son just rest next to him in bed, reading him books. Im grateful hes not bedridden anymore, but hes so painfully missed some days. The other night my Michael came out from his bed crying terribly, saying he missed Grandpa. Thats when your own faith is tested, when you have to explain on the spot what you believe is true and why it keeps you going. Because it does. It really does keep you going and keep you strong. And yet, there is still a touch or sometime a monsoon of sadness in a moment, because you were so lucky to have someone so precious, and then in a breath have them gone for a while. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? No. I will remember him. I will remember him fiercely, and keep his memory alive and wonderful for my kids. That is the easy part. Just like Laura Ingalls Wilder put it, I have had so many gleaming, glistening, cozy nows with my childhood family, and then my good husband added in and then my sweet kids too. And I know we will make more all together some day, in a new, beautiful place. Till then, I will remember his brown hair and beard. I will remember his Civil War music, and relish the fact that my kids love the simple violin with its free melodies too. I will hold my mom extra close on the days she wears the sweater she knit for my Dad. And I will think to myself each day This is now. And I will make it a Now worth remembering.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 05:46:01 +0000
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