I was sitting at my desk taking a break, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I dialed the number and reached some fellow a man who answered saying, “hello.” “This is Wolfgang,” I politely said, “and could I please speak to Robin Redd?” He slammed the phone down on me! I can’t believe how rude some people can be. Well, I tracked down Robin and gave her a call I had transposed two digits that was all. After talking to Robin I was still mad as thunder at the guy on the phone so I redialed his number. I dialed 842-9842. The same man answered in a harsh baritone. I yelled, “You’re an asshole! and hung up the phone. Next to his number I wrote the word “asshole,” put it in a desk drawer and went back to work. Every couple of weeks on a really bad day I would call him up and wait for him to say that surly, “hello,” and then I’d yell, you’re an asshole!” it made me feel swell. I’d call 842-9842. later in the year I worried about Caller ID. I’d have to stop calling disappointing for me. I stewed and I stormed ‘til I knew just how to go. I dialed his number and heard him say, “hello.” (disguised voice) “I’m with Rogers. My name is Steven Smith. Are you familiar with our Caller ID service?’ He screamed, “no!” hung up. My god, he went berserk! I called him back and said, “that’s because, you’re an asshole!” 842-9842. I told you this story to help you keep your wits. If something really bothers you take care of it! dial 842-9842. --- An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of her parking space. I thought that she was never gonna leave so that I could take her place. I backed up a little, and then a little more, to give her big car plenty of room. “great,” I thought, “she’s finally leaving. I’ll be in there pretty soon.” All of a sudden, this black Acura, like a comet from outer space came flying up on her other side and grabbed my parking place. I honked my horn and I honked it again, while under my breath I cursed, “you can’t do that, buddy!” I yelled at him, “’cause I was here first?” This guy climbed out of his Acura pretending I was a tree. He walked towards the mall eyes straight ahead completely ignoring me. I thought, “this guy’s an asshole, too.” In his car’s window was a sign that said, “FOR SALE.” I wrote down his number for future reference on a piece of junk mail. A few days later, I was sitting at home taking a break from work. I had just finished calling 842-9842 and yelling, “you’re an asshole!” 842-9842. It’s real easy to call the asshole now since I put his number on my speed dial. Then I found a phone number. I knew what I could do the guy with the Acura I’d call this guy too. Three rings later a man answered the phone, “I’m calling about the black Acura that you own.” “Where can I see it?” “It’s parked in front 802 West 4th Street,” He said with a grunt. I asked him his name. He answered, “Don Malone.” “Well, Don, you’re an asshole!”and I slammed down the phone! 802 West 4th Street. Yeah, 802 West 4th Street. After I hung up with a chuckle and a smile I added Don’s number to my list on speed dial. For a month or two my problems seemed small ‘cause when things went wrong I had two assholes I could call. I’d call them at 2. I’d call them at 4. When they’d go to bed I’d call them some more. I’d call all the time and just as a lark I even taught my dog to hit the speed dial and bark. 842-9842. And now there’s Don Malone at 802 West 4th Street. After months of calling and hanging up the phone it became an obligation not the thrill I had known. Gave the problem some thought came up with a plan dialed asshole #1 and when I heard the man I yelled, “you’re a jerk!” but didn’t hang up. when he said, “hey, you!” I responded, “yup!” “Stop calling me!” he growled his voice got really low - I waited just a second and answered him – “no!” He said, “what’s your name, pal?” I answered, “Don Malone – 802 West 4th Street – and I’m calling from home.” “My black Acura’s parked in front right on the street. come on over, asshole – I think we gotta meet.” “I’m coming to get you, right now – Don.” “like I’m really scared of you! You’re an asshole!” I added – then hung up and called Jerk…number…2. When he answered the phone I said, “hello, Jerk!” I couldn’t help it I started to smirk. “I’ll kick your butt!” he said. “well, here’s your chance, clown. I’m coming right over!” and I set the phone down. …..I called the police, “tell your cops on the beat…. a big fight’s goin’ down at 802 West 4th Street… packed a quick picnic, needed something to eat. Drove down to West 4th and parked across the street. 10 police cars, attack dogs, a helicopter and a swat team all around. They had those 2 guys cuffed and down. That fall I received a letter. Could hardly believe my eyes. I was called for jury duty it was those same two guys! I was the jury foreman. Our justice system works. We found the defendants…guilty and a couple of assholes… 842-9842. that’s area code 4116.
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 16:22:55 +0000