I was standing in the parking lot of a hardware store and I was scrolling through my phone while waiting for my husband... I saw a post about Robin Williams death and then the suspected suicide... My eyes welled with tears... I am not a super fan celebrity groupie and I truly see all people of every status as equal... God is not a respecter of persons and neither am I.... What brought tears to my eyes is that another family out there has to feel as though they are not worth living for and also I feel like one more part of my childhood was ripped away as Robin Williams was such a large part of the movies I had escaped to when my world was so unstable... We see reports of suicide day in and day out and so many respond with, If only they knew how much they were loved Maybe if they had waited a little longer they could have seen their goals accomplished Had they lived they could have been successful Maybe they felt unimportant.... I think we all know that Robin Williams had all that and more... He had the fame, popularity, accomplishments, succes and I can imagine fan mail and gestures of love everywhere he went... We all have a God shaped hole that nothing else can fill, we have a need for validation that cannot be met by anyone or anything aside from our Creator... Whether Robin Williams was saved or not, I dont know, but God does and God loved him very much... I have been on the verge of suicide more times than I can count, even as a firm believer in Christ... It is one reason why I wont own a gun, its too quick and irreversible, I also NEVER keep any medications that could combine to a lethal dose, it is a safe guard because I know that I I have to search and hunt and try THAT hard to end my life that it will allow enough time to be reminded that I cannot do to my family what my mom did to me... There is so much strength available through Christ, He can bring us through the darkest moments.... My heart hurts for the Williams family and I ache for those who give up... There is always a reason to live, there is always an end to our darkest moments and God promises that though sorrow may last for the night, JOY comes in the morning.... I wasnt going to post about Robin Williams but while digging through my nightstand in preparation to pack up my home to move, I found a letter... It was a homework assignment from when I went through some pretty intense therapy and I thought the timing was right and appropriate.... I had literally just set my phone down with tears welled up after seeing a graphic of Aladin and the Genie that said, Genie youre free... I couldnt scroll through my feed without thinking about how suicide has affected my life and I figured I would get some more work done... This is the letter I just found, the floodgates opened and I got a good cry out... ~ Dear Mom, I am writing you a letter, even though I know you will never read it. I am writing to you in hopes that I will leave my pain on this paper rather than carrying it in my heart. I feel abandoned by you, I always have. You did not raise me, you spent my entire childhood traveling the world and living in luxury while I wore dirty clothes and ate non nutritious food. I waited my whole life to feel important to you. When I finally got to live with you, you were abusive to me. I feel ripped off and cheated. My friends have their moms around to help them with their kids and teach them how to be good moms. On one hand I am glad you are gone because I dont want my kids to learn the bad things that you taught me and I dont want to be like you. On the other hand I feel so sad and lonely. As a result of these feelings I sometimes treat my family the same way you treated me, by yelling, throwing stuff, and leaving them unable to predict my mood and actions. I also deprive myself of love and live in fear of losing my remaining loved ones. I no longer want to live this way. I want the damage you have caused me to be reversed. I want to heal from this pain. I am getting some counseling and I have given my life fully to Jesus. I forgive you the same way that Christ forgave me. I no longer hold you responsible for who I am, nor do I give you credit for it either. I am changing my life and breaking the cycle of dysfunction and abuse. I love you and I miss you and I am so sorry that you robbed yourself of witnessing the incredible person, wife and mother that I am today... Love Meagen...~ True story, my parents forgot how they spelled my name on my birth certificate so they taught me to spell my name an not en... I only learned my legal spelling at 16 and figured why change it! So my name doesnt have a typo at the end, I just wanted to sign it the way she had originally gave it to me... Another little girl is going to have to process these types of feelings someday and it breaks my heart... Suicide is NEVER the answer.... It is a permanent solution to a temporal distress... I hope and pray that Robin knew The Lord because if so he will be experiencing peace and rest for the troubles and pain he carried and those who feel the need to end their own suffering certainly need the deepest love that only comes from Christ!! If you are battling with thoughts of suicide just know that many of us do from time to time... Push through it, ask God to lift you out of despair and consider reaching out before its too late!! Call 1-800-273-8255... Ive called before and Im also still here to tell you about it!!
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 06:20:12 +0000
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