I was wondering how long I could hold it together this month. It only lasted 10 days. I had to go to Pine Gully Park where we took his first professional pictures and where Papa Bears employer donated his bench on Monday. It was so beautiful and not a cloud in the sky. It is so peaceful out there. Papa Bear and I were talking about spreading some of his ashes out there on his birthday, December 27th. I just need to vent and release some inner thoughts. I was heading out to school last week to take care of nursing school stuff and passed by 3 ambulances. It just brought me back to May 12th when I was sitting in the passenger seat of the ambulance on our way to the ER. I did not know it would be our last ride together. We took Ayden to EVERY appointment in our car. Me, Papa Bear, and the nurse if we had one that day. The only thing I remember saying or yelling on our 5 minute ride, one that seemed like eternity, was, Come on Ayden! Nothing but flat lines on the screen like you see in the movies and continuous CPR on your one and only 16 month old child. It did not seem real at all. It was just a nightmare that I needed to wake up from. They wheeled him into a room and told the nurse to check with me every minute as I was not allowed to be in there. I had to go wait out front and answer stupid insurance questions while they tried to revive our child. Nana and PopPop got there and the nurse so happened to come out to update me and all I asked was, Is his heart beating? And she said, No, they and still working on him. Nana lost it and PopPop was trying to hard to fight back tears. I knew Ayden would come through this and I think that is why I was so emotionless then. He had done it before and he was going to do it again. The nurse came and got us and told us to come back and I had every thought of my mind that he was okay. The look on everyones faces as soon as we rounded that corner was not the expressions I was looking for. The room was a mess. The heart ultrasound machine showed no heart activity at all. The Dr. said he did all that they could do. We then had to say not good-bye, but see you later. The first thing I did was take his trach out and put some gauze on it. He was finally trach free and breathing freely with our Heavenly Fatherly who so graciously gave us the opportunity to experience motherhood and fatherhood for the first time. And we all held him like we have been wanting to: no ventilator circuits in the way, with his head on our shoulder and belly on our chest. Today was a long 10 hour work day and I have not had anybody ask about Ayden in awhile. There were 2 today: One who asked how he was doing and one who I made a comment to her little boy about how big he had gotten. And she replied with, I know yours is getting big, too! This is just not the month I want all this to be happening. But like my co-worker said, he is sending signs to let me know people still think about him and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I came across a video yesterday that was taken 2 days before he passed. I will try to post it tomorrow. Im exhausted and my contacts are all cloudy. I love you guys and thanks for letting me vent. December is going to be tough but as we know, God doesnt give us anything we cant handle. Phil 4:13
Posted on: Thu, 11 Dec 2014 03:31:19 +0000