I wish I knew how to relate to people better. It would probably help if I understood people better. Sometimes, I feel like I dont even belong on this planet. -not because Im too good to be here; but just because I cant understand this world. When animals are born in their native environment, they naturally and instinctively know how to make sense of it; even if it takes a while. But I am native to this planet. And I cant make sense of it. As such, I find myself unable to thrive here. Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating. Like I have to get out of here. But theres nowhere to go that isnt here. And what would I expect to find, even if there was? People scare me. Even the ones I love scare me. Im not sure what Im afraid of exactly. Maybe I know Im going to get hurt later. I think most people dont see me. Im 62 and built like a football player (that ate some other football player). So youd think Id be hard to miss. But most people dont really see me. I see them. I make a point of it. I watch and I listen. I assume the best rather than the worst. And I want to hug every single person that I pass in the isles at walmart. But people dont want that. People just keep their eyes looking away; pretending to be deep in thought or like they just saw something shiny and have to chase it now. Everyone walks around in a bubble and they tune out the people around them. Maybe they are afraid too. I can understand that much. But why isnt anyone else even MORE afraid of being ignored or overlooked? Have they already met their quota of people that are allowed to care about them? Im not a shadow. Im not a cardboard cut-out. I dont pop up on-que during police fire-arms training. -neither as the bank robber nor an innocent. Thats not me. Im not a pedestrian. Thats just a role I get type-cast in when Im out walking. Im not a green car either. Thats just what people see on the road. Its not even an extension of my person; -well, except for that one time when the sticky super-glue on my hands hardened on the way to the parts store. But I only did that once. Let me explain a few things about me. I am you; with a different body and an equally-unique set of experiences that built my equally unique worldview. I am the you that would have been if you had been born into this body and this life. So all this OBSESSION about privacy confuses me. Strict clothing laws confuse me too. Demonizing the human body in a society that glorifies violence. I dont get it. Since when is a body more beautiful when its being blown apart? Racism confuses me too. Ive never even met a white person or a black person. I have walked by a few walls painted in those colors. SO I guess its possible there was an actually white or black person there... blending in invisibly. But I doubt it. Facebook frustrates me. I think I feel more alone after spending a day on here than if I had spent it on the toilette. Muslim Burkas confuse me. And Im not sure if I should feel more pity for the women that wish they didnt have to wear one... or for the ones that have learned to like it. Hate confuses me. It shouldnt. Ive felt it. But I didnt hold on to it, because I didnt know what I was supposed to do with it and I didnt have any more room on my shelves. So heres what Im going to do... Every time I see someone sitting alone in a restaurant, they better look very busy; or else Im going to sit across from them and start talking like Ive known them forever. And from now on, when I see someone crying in public, theyre getting a great big hug. Ill introduce myself later. And Im going to stop limiting my friendly Hellos to the super-rare people that meet my gaze with a smile. From now on, the people that look right through me or right past me are going to get their fair share of those. They can ignore it if they want, but I bet theres still thinking about it when they leave. And if that doesnt work, Im going to get clothes that sparkle bright colors all over and strut like a peacock from the bad side of Detroit; like I own the place.
Posted on: Thu, 04 Sep 2014 00:53:41 +0000