I wish like hell there was a way I could just delete all the things in my past and just rewrite my whole life..... I Love Dannie Ember Rose, he should of been the one. I cant believe Im saying this but I wish I never met Randy Allen Shefbuch, I never loved him, I thought I knew what it was when he came in my life but I never had a clue. Its so funny though, I fought to have Randy in my life but now Im looking back asking why,he never loved me the way I loved him.... I was stronger than him, less scared,willing to go as far as it took and for more then that..... If Dannie was there then, nothing that I did would have been for vain.... I would have been more than I could have ever dreamed of, why am I reflecting on the past while singing to Path I Walk by Boondox because I could have gave more to Dannie from the very beginning, I wouldnt have had to hold back my heart would have opened as quick as a book opening, because of my slip it hurt Dannie into knowing me sooner and to tell you the truth, my lil angel should have been his kid. I should have never made those dumb ass mistakes in the first place, smartest girl in the world when it comes to keeping myself alive but slipped up on the biggest keys to making me happy and giving the one I love everything he should of had from day one.... He should have been the one I gave my v card to not a spirit made one, my real v card and damn it I hate myself for not holding out.... That three day before turning eighteen would have meant a hell of a lot more if I had of waited for my wedding night. I hate myself because I didnt respect and love myself to wait for the one that it should have been all along..... Not only bond to him, he desired more then he will ever know or understand..... I love him for the man he is and the woman he is making me.... Im not god gift and I know that but he makes me want to be for him alone..... I have never open my heart this way, I didnt even think I was capable of doing so, and I didnt even realize how wonderful I was as a person until he gave me the gift of being his... For that my sweet love thank you, thank you for making me understand who I am as a person because I told myself I did but trust me I never believed what I said to myself in the mirror ever, I told myself I was this awesome person so that I could sleep at night and make myself feel better but I never believe it.... I believe myself to always live the mask, that was all I could do for myself doing things for other people was that I would feel better about myself to do everything I wasnt.... I am really the darkness on the inside. The kills in my head, all I wanted to do was make them real, everyone that ever hurt me.... Oh god Chris, the truth has reached my lips onto the keyboard, it has to be him there is no other answer, can I really accept what everything about me is telling me, is the war in my head finally over, am I over thinking again and not accepting what is being play out in front of me. The darkness stays but its more gray the black and I dont what to do, Im so closed inside but yet Im ready to fighting and finally away and let someone else take my hand, the fight of not trust a soul because the man that was a father rapped me and took the sweet youth and rapped me of more then just youth but of all trust inside.... Have I really found the one that had the key all this time....... I think his it, I want to believe at less because hes the most wonderful person in the world and I have never been so happy in my life....
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 13:34:11 +0000
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