I wish you had known just how introverted I had become - I hardly contact friends - and the few I have are pretty scattered. I have always felt somewhat removed from the real world - its like there is an additional layer between the outside world and my consciousness. Interacing with people often feels like venturing outside of me into some scary place. I tend to think way too much and often thoughts that I have in the back of my mind are like white noise. So when you were close by or easy to see I could still keep sight of you. In later years when I am trying to stand on my own and that you are far away and busy that I guess Is where I put you in a drawer. The thing is that if I could swap the time with Maria for time with the you and your family I would in a heartbeat. I thought that I loved her but I think that I wanted her but now that her and I are parted I dont feel any off the deep pain, fear and frustration of when Helen and I split up. I know that I am older now maybe that has something to do with it. I dont think even the pain of you losing you is eclipsing my feelings for Maria - if I truly loved her I would be desperate to seek comfort from her in her right now. Talking about comfort zones I did have to leave a a few in order to see Maria. My god I never thought that I would fly by myself but I did a few times - but always to the same place. But though I managed to do that I still have plenty of fears and hang ups. Miss you Steve - sorry I put you in a drawer - I always loved you though.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 06:54:37 +0000
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