I woke up to a series of silly messages. At first i was not going to respond but then I thought about it and I refuse to be angry about it all day. I will not hurt my health pondering the ignorance of people. When I turned 40 this year I promised myself that I would not play juvenile games with grown people. I have been stationed over here in Bahrain for 2 years, 2 months, and 17 days. I have only physically seen my kids 51 days out of 808 in all that time. I have sacrificed so that they could stay centralized in one place. It has not been easy. If you truly know me you know I am a family based person. My family means the world to me. My boys are the primary reason I get up every single day. I place their needs above mine and I sacrifice to make sure they have everything they need. That is how I was raised. I was raised to believe that you take care of the things you love. Selfish and malicious things do not figure into that equation. If you never had to leave your children or be separated from them you will not know the pain i feel daily not having them in my life every day. I go to work and I actually work my tail off. I do not just receive a paycheck. I sacrifice my time for the people that work with me and for me. That is the way I was raised. The last few months have been hard but the last few weeks have been harder. I miss my children and I think they believe that I am having a wonderful time away from them. It depresses me because I do all this for them. They have never gone a birthday or Holiday without a gift from me. I talk to them on Skype in the wee hours of the morning despite the fact of having worked 20+ hours. I do this because FAMILY means something to me. To have people use that against you or for your kids to believe its all a holiday hurts me to my heart. I have been so stressed over the last few months after my Granddad passed. I seem to get sick or hurt every two months. My BP would shoot up and I finally realized I hold stuff in and it has a horrible effect on me. The bottom line is I give all that I can give. I dont go out. I dont party. I dont drink. I work and write to keep myself sane. I try to treat the people I work with respectfully and inspire where I can. I am not a sycophant or a narcissist so I do not look for praise. I just do what I have to do. I ignore the little hurts. They add up though. I said months ago that no one sends me mail. Not even a hope your ok card. I said that because most times I feel alone here without support. Sometimes you just feel like a battery that can be easily discarded when you are used up. You should never feel this way from your family. I am not typing all this to put people on blast. I am typing this to say I am tired. I am not going to allow people to shape my destiny or lie about the kind of person that I am. I will not internalize hurt anymore. I have to keep pushing and hopefully my children will understand one day what this sacrifice and time was all about. It has been the most painful and difficult thing I have ever done. I do it every day and I make no one suffer under the pain and anguish I feel daily. I just continue to work and do what i know to be right. That is all any of us can ever do. I looked over these pictures and smiled but I am sad that I cannot hold my children tonight...No matter what people say I do it all for them and I take the pain for that sacrifice. I hold on to the faith that it will work out in the end. Be blessed.
Posted on: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 02:00:03 +0000
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