I worked with 8 men at a mid size tech firm in Texas today on honing their self-awareness and communication skills: seeing the value in healthy conflict, listening more effectively, expressing empathy, sharing feelings with vulnerability, and standing for their beliefs while staying in partnership. Here’s what stands out most for me: an African American employee from facilities. Unlike most everyone else, he doesn’t seem engaged to me. He’s looking at his phone a lot, stepping out of the room, and not saying much. I’m doubting he’s getting much out of the class. The day culminates with splitting into groups of three to practice Nonviolent Communication. You know how it goes: when you did/said ____, I felt _____, because I need/value_____. Would you be willing to ______? It can feel like a risky model even in the Bay Area, totally new to most everyone I’ve met in Austin. I join the guy from facilities and his group. He opts to go last. He says, “I don’t really know how to do this.” I’m worried he won’t get it and I won’t be able to coach him well enough, but I say, “Give it a shot.” He pauses, looks at his partner (a Latino engineer playing the role of a former manager), and says, “When you yell at me without asking me for my side of the story, I feel frustrated. I need you to give me a fair shake. I’m open to criticism, but I want to ask you to ask me for my side of the story first.” Dead silence. I’m blown away. Feel myself tearing up as I write this. I look at his partner, and this young engineer’s heart looks wide open. All he can do is smile and say, “Great job, man.” I say, “Wow, you nailed it.” He quietly says, “Thanks. That was 10 years ago. It happened for five years, all the time.” “Wow, that sounds hard,” says his partner. “It was,” he responds. “And this is the first time I’ve told anyone about it.” “Anyone?” I ask. “Anyone.” I ask him how it was to share that. “Good. I feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted.” Tearing up again now, that such a nice, earnest guy could go through such abuse, and hold it in, and then take the big risk of sharing it, and do it with such courage and skill. Later I ask if he’d be willing to share his example using the model with the class. He says OK. His mind goes blank. He looks down at his notes. Then he looks up, and brings it, flawlessly. This time more firmly. Like some of the emotion had been released and now he could bring it with more force, but still grounded. I like to believe I saw him holding himself differently after stepping up in that way. Full eye contact from that moment forward. We got some great push back during today’s class: “This is corporate America, I’m not sure this stuff can work here.” “I’m not used to sharing my feelings.” “You can’t be vulnerable with some people.” But everyone stuck with it. We took the push back and said we agreed, this won’t always work. Some people aren’t safe. The work world is far from perfect. And these models will rarely work perfectly even when we use them. But if they wors sometimes, that’s change entering through the cracks, heralded by a new generation of men willing to take the risk to be vulnerable and not check their humanity at the door. And that, I hope everyone learned today, ain’t weak. That’s strong. We keep our power and our dignity, regardless of how someone else reacts - without the need to attack. In fact, we become more powerful, and everyone gains. Proud of the men in class who pushed their edges today. Feeling moved and truly honored to support them, and excited to bring this to Phoenix tomorrow.
Posted on: Thu, 29 May 2014 03:33:24 +0000
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