I would not know that my difference would one day become a liability which woud overwhelm my person completelu until who I had been wsa eclipsed with another edition. This change ot bron of coscios decision, it felt instead as though I had been swallowed wghoe unable to swim from the belly of the beast into which I had falled. Into the dark vast ocean of oblivion, where I would not find my bottom and coult not easily gasp for air at the surface. It wold be in this place with no foundation that I would tread water for nearly a deaced, unable to integrate the reality of what had happened, thereby disalloig that move from this space inside of me that was not tolerable in the least, a place that I would attempt to escaoe until I could surivive psychophically without its aid. I would not know that my difference would be used to my detrement, this difference never having been explained to me, that it was largely comprised of some unidentifiable seethe complete lack of desure to play the popnsitivity that could accurately assess certain information, information that was often vague in its initial revelation but that which would often, nly days later be remembered by whomever I had spoken it too. My difference is seen for what it is not perhaps only initially, ythe skepticism outweighing anyones ability to know that wi wouhat I knew would oly be known to others in time. Due to my propensity for solitary activity together with a co,pletely ac of desre to play the games that adolescent firls play, those which make someone feel leftout and them somehow feeling beter. I never desired to feel goo d at the expense of another and so, as I was often assumed initially as the opposite, I would thereby become a target of sorts, my sensitivity my keepimg tightly contained for the usewould be to my detriment. There were a few who did see me, the in between, those whose prophecy perhaps somehow interceded with my own, in some other time and space, dimension and place. hose who also possessed a greater presence tha their person, other who were led not by the American dream but instead by some greater calamity, a force which birthed multiple universes. We are the others who inherently shy frm exerting pressure presence which preceded me, could only grow and stay a part of my, as long as it went unacknowledged, unrealized. Until I was ready, I would not have used these gifts wisely, though come the time they were seen and acknowledged, a series of events and my knowledge prior of their occurrence cementing my growing suspicion that I was in fact, far more open to the other side, than were most. And I also became aware of the fact that this was only true because I did not know it until I was ready. Had I, it would not be as it was again today, it would have been used, integrated into the person sense of otherness and selfhood. It would ha I would have taken measures to temper it. But what I did not know, what I could not possibly see on my own, what both my parents scrambled to ensure I would not know, I could not be aware of how it was Instead it was assumed that I knew, as I was to know unspoken expectation, when I was to laugh, respond, be silent or offer an opinion, the latter I never recall having been asked for. So I went into a world of my own, where my own sword went unacknowledged, unknown, while the outside wordl become increasingly certain that I knew the power it yielded, my words like daggers, ther acuity striking home like a snake, quick and smooth. I had not known that I knew. If I had known that I was born with a breadth of intuition, had I known that these gifts had been upon me, bestowed, I would have long ago used them as tools, no human being evolved beynd extending ithi an egoic state until past trauma catches up with that person, ssoner or later and defenseive structures behin to take shape, my own stubborn will carved from a lifetime of patterns, left unacknowledged, remaining in their primary state. I was blessed with a set of circumstances which over time tore the possibility of restig within the ego away from me completely, my having to instead become redeemed through remembering who I am as opposed to who I was told to be. I recognize today that who I am was far different than who I was told that I was, the former far too threatening to be acknowledged by anything other than whispers. My difference became a past of the vast ocean of the unspoken, it became another piece of the puzzle, the owner of it left unenlightened this piece was their to place within it. Without knowledge of my difference I would not know how to live, how I needed to be to make a difference. I was the sort to whom the American dream never appealed, to which this corporate society was never even on the peripherary of desired ventures. In fact, I woud not know what I wanted to do with my life, let alone know what I was to do with it until my mid 30s, my delay of an unspecified reason one my parents desperately attempted to clamp down as character based in m absence. The changes others say, the manifestation of a person those who knew me wold least likely believe I would become, would overtake my ability to deal with an immense secret on my own. I had held well until the age of 19 when my ability to contain, to not speak of any actual problem , to self soothe, delude and use other innate defenses to protect my conscious min from what it was not yet ready to see, was no longer operable, a system overwhelmed with unrecognized and unacknowledged trauma, their no foundation on which I could lay out this dilemma, it as well needing to be another secret. The message thereby given was that all I did was a shame, all I did and become was to blame and all that had gone wrong was in effect of my character. The truth was far different through before I could begin to even configure this, I would need to integrate the actuality of a mans person into my reality, this not a possibility, even though to have been purged of any re minded of him would have been welcome. Of course, former to his transgression, I felt the complete opposite, never getting enough. Enouhg of what I woud later discover as attunement. This was not a one sided crush but a dance that began the first time his eyes grazed me features at the back of the class. I recall the healthy sense of in
Posted on: Tue, 27 Aug 2013 21:56:34 +0000
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