I wrote this poem over the first six months of 2014, and I dedicate it to everyone who grew up in very dysfunctional families and took on a lot of the family pain and believed that is was all about them, when really it was about their parents suppressed emotional pain and closed hearts. It was all a big misunderstanding on our part, it had nothing to do with our inherent worth as divine expressions on Earth. Kim ZimmermannLa Rhonda Monique and all of the ACA family in Houston, love all of you so much!!!! GIRAFFE HEART My life passes before me as my pain snowballs within my heart’s prison walls I fall, crawl, bawl and rock feeling so helpless and small, like an invisible abomination There in the distance is a door full of many different lock combinations Yearning and discerning for door knocks instead of clock tic-tocs I feel the shock of it all as I cower in the dark of my wounded heart Intermittently lit by the shower of sparks from numerous jumpstarts Feeling sour, sensing time slip away hour-by-hour, hoping one day to grow and flower Separation, frustration, castigation and isolation have driven my love underground and apart This heart-shaped house appears to keep me safe and the world’s pain at bay Here I pray, day-by-day, feeling like someone has to pay as I live in total dismay I have lost my way and now I say, this strategy no longer serves me and is not ok It wasn’t my fault, I was never taught how to question, love and forgive I bought and got caught up in my own personal narrative I sought ways to halt the pain of my negative thought assaults Wrought with anger, grief and fear, I placed my heart in a vault For the longest time it was rough not feeling enough so I decided to be tough and bluff My heart felt so cuffed and my brain stuffed with obsessions, corrections, delusions, illusions, fictions and addictions Like a tree infested with a killer bee hive, I never let myself get close to anyone in order to survive Molested by my made-up stories, will I ever protest and contest them, laying them to rest, setting myself free? I was teased, I couldn’t please, seeking to be at ease, I desired to leave, I couldn’t breathe as my heart felt like it was being squeezed, like people around me trying to achieve, I begged while on my knees, “Where is my cheese?” Moving around from place to place, town to town and school to school I screamed without a sound and left no trace as I shut down feeling displaced and disgraced, life felt so cruel I grew up with neglect and a physical defect—I felt like a total reject. I slept to temporarily forget! Will I keep living with more regrets? I live like an old crone, all lost & alone, sitting on my throne waiting for rings on my telephone, fearing the unknown, waiting to find my way home in order to rise from my tombstone There is plenty of space in my heart to love again and again, my friend Vulnerability and intimacy can now begin if I quit being a chicken I believed my parents and I had done me wrong, but maybe it was to make me strong I hear the distant sound of a beautiful song, With whom and where do I belong? “Let me out”, I cried with a shout, “This loneliness is suffocating me, no doubt” I felt bliss as I open the door to my heart, but my ego revisits me again Now I resist and my loneliness persists, chagrin in my abyss as I holler and hiss Rather than eat or sleep, I take a leap to invite and connect with my friends and peeps No creeps, just people for keeps What would happen after all? Would I plunge to my death or would there be something to catch my fall? In the risk comes the reward, cut the cord to my past with a sword I hoard my love allowing others to feel ignored The endless pursuit of healing has me feeling tired and bored Rather needing to fill my cup more as my heart soared What am I moving toward? Will I have the huge heart of a giraffe sharing and spreading my enthusiasm, joy and spirit making others laugh? Will my “victim” story end and a new empowering story begin or is there more struggle and strive to deal with and learn from in my life? Will forgiveness creep into my soul instead of anger and fear taking their toll? My heart feels like it has been steamrolled, true love is at a lull. In my tears throughout the years, I am dying to be me as I stumble, crumble, fumble and tumble towards ecstasy, Who am I to be? The more I lie and try to figure out the how’s and why’s, the more my heart cries and stays in disguise The more I allow and live in the now, the more this is the door that I have been looking for I whisper softly into my wounded child’s ear, “There is nothing to fear, I’m here, I care, and I’m not going anywhere, I swear. Dare to quit playing solitaire, to not bear the childhood pain that you still wear and share What will it take? Another poem written with my papermate, Will I ever shed my thick protection skin like a snake? Will I ever give myself and others a break? I ache for the day when my love, strength and courage will shake my heart awake? I have no immunity from the love and intimacy of my spiritual community like a beautiful symphony tugging at the heartstrings of my fragility Will I leave my self-imposed jail cell like a snail slowly emerging from my turtle shell as I share and tell? Do I hear a bell? Is it time to set sail and romance myself with a dance, to dash, dart, swirl, twirl, frolic and prance as I become immersed in a magical intoxicating trance? Feeling all tattered and torn, rather than scorn or toot my own horn, I’m reborn as I mourn and remove my thorns. I would rather wear my heart on my sleeve than leave the present moment and be naïve living in make believe. I choose not to follow or be anyone else, love lies beyond my personal self. The more I clear my pain, the more I see the world has come up lame People looking for fortune and fame, politicians, lobbyists, and corporations have gone insane Needing their insatiable greediness to be tamed like an unstoppable freight train Looking for someone to blame and shame just keeps their defensive postures entrained I wish I could flush all of their egos down the drain But attempting to control others only results in more of the same I would rather make the choice to help create a difference with my voice People need to be brave, no longer allowing apathetic silence regarding economic slaves & violence MLK and JFK are rolling over in their graves as we all crave a better way to spend our days Work is one big chore, Life can be a big snore, the daily news, I abhor, what does the future hold in store? the middle class is eroding to folklore, who are we really working for? Who needs to be shown out the door? Heartspace is what I really adore. In spite of losing my intuitive sight, focusing on what I thought was right, during my human plight, will my heart ever take flight like a kite or white cloud immersed in the moonlight?
Posted on: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 23:11:40 +0000
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