IS IT REALLY CHEATING? After you discover your spouse cheated, you may feel a great deal of shame and embarrassment. It’s a natural reaction—but it can leave you feeling immobilized and cut off from the rest of the world. I’ll explain why it’s not a good idea to suffer in silence, but also, to be selective about whom you decide to confide in. Post-Affair Reactions: How Victims May React Before the affair happened, maybe the one person you always went to when you needed to discuss an issue or were feeling pain was your spouse. Now, your spouse is the author of that pain—and your spouse is the last person from whom you’ll seek comfort. Many affair victims feel stuck: their closest confidante—their spouse—has been cut off from them. Now who can they go to? And with this humiliating revelation of being betrayed by the person they loved and trusted? It’s a challenge to know who you should trust next. You certainly have a support system around you: friends and family who love you and want to protect you. They may be who you want to turn to during this time of pain. The other option is to keep it all to yourself and discuss it with no one. Some affair victims feel so embarrassed and ashamed by their partner’s actions, they can’t stand the thought of anyone else finding out. One of the first concerns upon learning of the affair was, “Does anyone else know about it?” Then, there’s the affair victim who relishes the idea of humiliating their cheating spouse, letting everyone know what a skunk they’ve married. They all but hang a banner from their home that proclaims “a cheater lives here,” and they feel a sense of satisfaction in having found a way to strike back for the pain they’ve been caused. Each of these reactions has its own set of repercussions, which we’ll explore next. Let’s look at what you should think about before you make your decision to confide in anyone about the affair: Option #1: Confiding in Friends and Family You have a support group of friends and family, but whether or not you should confide in these people is a decision you should think carefully on. The reason why is, these people want to protect you. Your spouse may now be seen as a “threat” rather than a protector, and their first thought will be to circle the wagons in an effort to protect you—to keep the enemy out. If you decide to confide in friends and family, you may want to be selective both in whom you tell as well as what details you provide. If you do confide, ask the person to maintain neutrality. Also, let them know what you need in the way of support. People don’t always know how to offer support. If you simply need an ear, let the person know that this is all you need—you aren’t looking for advice. Option #2: Keeping Silent During this emotionally painful time, there’s a natural tendency to want to turn in toward yourself and lick your wounds. While you will need some alone time to process emotions, be sure you’re aren’t avoiding the human race altogether. Now more than ever you need to be reminded that you can trust others, and that not everyone will hurt you. Reaching out to your support group—if only to do something other than think about the affair—is healthy. Maintaining your silence about the affair is your choice, but if you need a friend to sit with you, ask them to meet you for a coffee and talk about other aspects of your life. Option #3: Shouting from the Rooftops While publicly humiliating your spouse may feel sweet at first, if you’re hoping for reconciliation, it could kill your chances. Telling everyone of your spouse’s mistake is in its own way a betrayal of trust. Yes, it is the ultimate mistake—and it has hurt you deeply—but it doesn’t mean everyone has the right to know about the intimate details concerning your marriage. Just be sure, before you decide to broadcast the news, that you carefully think through any repercussions. You may feel good in the short-term, but try to think of your long-term gain. My best to you as you find support during this painful post-affair time. If you are the affair victim, what are your thoughts on confiding in others? What prompted your decision to confide or not? Do you have any regrets about confiding in others? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below. Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 20:41:00 +0000
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