IVE DECIDED TO RE-POST MY APOLOGY LETTER FROM APRIL FROM TIME TO TIME. or the past year I have not spoken to most of you, more than a couple of times and others I have not spoken to at all. I have no explanation for this just a sincere apology. I am ashamed and embarrassed at this point for my behavior and my intentional disconnect from my family and friends. Maybe in a way I am trying to disconnect for my past and a life that I had. Life as I knew it no longer exists and I have no memory of the person I was before Timmy died.When Timmy died, it changed every fiber of my being and it has me questioning everything everyday. All of you and many others were there for me during the most horrific tragedy that could happen to any parent. I know that all of you love me and you miss me and please believe me when I say that I too love you and miss you dearly.... I am ashamed of myself I feel like Im being selfish for not keeping in touch with you, calling you, texting you, being there for you. Ashamed because you all and surely had problems, tragedies, & triumphs in your lives were you have needed me. And I wasnt there for you. I am sorry that I havent been there for you.I havent picked up the phone, sent you a text or stop by your house to say hello. Overtime, all of you eventually quit trying to get a response from me- and rightfully so. I dont know what to say to you now....my retreat into my shell and my disconnect from your lives isnt fair to you... You were there for me before and after Timmy was taken out of my life...and POOF....I am gone. It doesnt make sense, nothing does. I do not know why I feel as though I have to shut out my old life completely ignore whatever and whoever used to be in my life before he died. I went to a seminar a couple of weeks ago at the Jones center in Springdale- PARENTS LEFT BEHIND Rebuilding your life after the death of a child. It made me realize that I do need to talk about what happened and that I am still continuing to grieve it helps me tremendously talking others that have been through what Ive been through. I do not have all the answers for everything yet, I never will. This is just another stage of grief. Guilt & remorse are two things that Ive carried around for the past 77 months, they have made me weak, they have made be tired, they have wore me out. Forgiveness-- I have to learn to forgive myself. I have to let go of all the guilt, of not being there, of not doing this or not doing that, it is okay to let whatever just happen... The 22nd of March marked the eighth anniversary of my at my moms passing, it has 77 months since Timmy has passed. Today would have been his 25th birthday. So you see in my eyes, time is still very distorted. Please be patient and know that Im not going to promise you that I will be in touch. I do promise; that I am doing good, that I am trying my best to rebuild a life, that I do not have those days where I cant get out of bed because I am so miserable with grief I promise you that I smile every day and I am happy.... In closing, I know that feelings are going to be hurt and conclusions are going to be drawn just on this letter alone. This letter is forever all my friends and family not just the people I have tagged (please do not try to figure out why you are not tagged or why someone else was and you werent- it is what it is) This letter has been a work in progress for a couple weeks... I hope that everyone realizes this letter is not a cry for help. I am truly doing much better than before. If you know me, REALLY know me, then I know you understand. If you dont understand... That is okay to. I love each and everyone of you and I am so thankful to be back on Facebook! Thank you Timara J Meeks
Posted on: Thu, 09 Oct 2014 01:23:20 +0000
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