Id laugh but Im too tired to see the humor. Little Mama has decided Im mad at her. I have no idea why, but every time she asks me a question, she follows up my answer with something like you dont have to snap my head off, or why are you mad? or what the matter with you? Are you sick? I always make a point to keep a pleasant expression, or smile when I answer for many reasons, most of which have to do with her teeter-totter moods. She just now came and asked me if I needed any help. I smiled, pointed to the computer screen and said, no, Im just doing some email. She frowned. I am perfectly capable of helping. All you have to do is tell me. I said okay... if I began something after while and needed help, I would come get her. That answer pissed her off. She went in her room and turned the television up as loud as she could and left the door open. Her sign for, I am highly indignant and its all your fault. whatever. Im bracing myself for later. Bedtimes these days is hell. She will be bawling before its over and Ill be wishing I was on the way to Sedona, Arizona. I think I need to go there. There is this constant feeling of... go back, go back, you need to go home. Thats what it feels like in my heart and Ive never been there. When I was in Tucson last month for that book festival it felt like every sensory aspect of my mind suddenly turned on. I was a little over 250 miles from Sedona. So close and yet too far because my responsibilities lay elsewhere. I would close my eyes at night and see visions of a vast number of people standing on a hill waving and calling to me, and when I didnt walk toward them, they began coming down the hill to meet me. It was an unsettling feeling because as much as I wanted to go, I knew I couldnt. I had to go back to Little Mama. Dont know what that means, but it has stayed with me. A soul memory from another time, I think, because it also feels a little sad, but one day Ill see. On a lighter note, the sun came out, there are storm warnings in the far southern part of the state, but not here. Its spring in Oklahoma and as always, life is on a full circle route, taking Little Mama and I with it. Shes hanging on with both hands with her eyes closed, I think. Refusing to see whats before her and too afraid to let go.
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 22:49:26 +0000
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