If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, he would have enough cash stashed away in foreign vaults to make the Forbes list of the world’s billionaires. Heck, Nigerian civil servants who manage pension funds are billionaires! Yet – like most Nigerian billionaires – he would not be in a haste to alert the editors of Forbes to the size of his assets. Heh, it’s not worth the trouble; who wants to be playing hide-and-seek with armed robbers and kidnappers? He may not confide in Forbes, but a Nigerian Mandela would be the proud owner of numerous oil blocks. He would be entitled to a “security vote” that nets him, at least, a billion naira per month. He would own mansions in several European capitals and resort locations. He would own private jets, his own private army (otherwise known as thugs), a university or two, a private cathedral or mosque, controlling shares in several banks, and enough high-priced cars to run an automobile dealership. Mr. Mandela is an enlightened man, a towering moral figure who commands respect around the world, a lawyer, author and reader. Yes, he has the stamina to put in the months and years it takes to write a book. And he is capable of staying still for hours or days to read book. If he were a Nigerian big man, he’d love to have a book or two to his name – but the content would be cliché- riddled speeches written by bored, ill-educated and often cynical amanuenses. As for reading a book, perish the thought! A friend of mine once told a joke about one of Nigeria’s illiterate moneymen. According to him, this mind-ravaged rich man laughed at people who, behind his back, whispered that he was unlettered. “I can read,” said the traduced businessman. “I only care to read the amount on my checks!” That’s what a Nigerian Mandela would learn to do. If the legendary Mandela were a Nigerian, he would not be addressed simply as Mister. On Mandela’s first visit to Nigeria, he was awarded an honorary doctorate degree by – if my memory serves me – the University of Maiduguri. Since then, Nigerian newspapers and magazines as well as broadcast media have taken to addressing the global icon as “Dr.” Mandela. In the Nigerian media’s imagination, by bestowing the prefix “doctor” on Mandela, they have somehow enhanced the man’s standing in the world. What would the man be without this generous beneficence from Nigeria by way of Maiduguri? It’s conventional wisdom in Nigeria that titles, however hollow, matter. In many quarters, the quality of a person’s mind is of no consequence. What matters is self-advertisem ent, buttressed shamelessly in the adornment of antiquated, silly honorifics. So we went from addressing people as Chief (which has no meaning, really) to calling them High Chief, Double Chief, or Double High Chief – terms that inspire embarrassment on behalf of those who flaunt them. If Mandela were Nigerian, he would be identified as Triple High Chief (Sir) Barrister Nelson Mandela, GCFR, Tigbuo Zogbuo 1 of Igboland, Aare Baba Dudu 1 of Yorubaland, Alhaji Magajin Biu 1 of Hausaland, etc, etc. He would be overfed, weaned off his sprite, sportsman’s physique. With his kind of figure – a flat belly and all – you can’t even aspire to become a local government councilor in Nigeria! Day and night, his staff and harem would ply him with pomo stew, cow leg pepper soup, pounded yam and egusi washed down with six bottles of lager per session – until he’s appropriately fattened. If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, his claim to being a hero would be put to the ethnic test. Only members of his ethnic group would consider him an exemplary man. To others, he would be an object of ambivalent response: a hero today, a villain tomorrow, depending on what he’s said on what issue. If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, he would never have spent more than one week in prison. Why, the traditional rulers from his district would have gone as a delegation to his jailers, apologized on his behalf for his unruly opposition to the apartheid machinery and pledged that they would ensure that he show appropriate respect to constituted authority. He would then be released – cameras clicking to capture the moment – to the “royal fathers,” guarantors of his docility, quiescence and submission to the powers-that- be. If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, he would not be an ex-president, but a president-for-l ife. His kinsmen would have hired a dibia, babalawo or malam to cure his “madness” when he decided to step aside after only one term as president. A Nigerian Mandela would not be subject to any constitutional limits on presidential terms; the constitution would be subject to him. Any part of the constitution that runs counter to his whims and caprices would be instantly amended or – better still – ignored. To make a short story long, if Mandela were a Nigerian, then the man and his stupendous moral capital would not exist!
Posted on: Thu, 20 Jun 2013 00:36:16 +0000