If like mine your work is mobile then you will at some point have no choice but to stop at a petrol station or fast food restaurant to make use of the toilet facilities. This may sound like a very normal everyday activity, how hard can it be I hear you ask. ….. Well, after selecting which cubicle you are least likely to contract a horrible disease in and that has the luxury of a door that locks you will need to use your foot to slide the discarded toilet tissue that lies on the floor as far away from you as possible ( which may or may not be soiled, it’s best not to look too closely ) then line the top of the seat with fresh tissue from the enormous round plastic excuse for a toilet roll dispenser that’s screwed to the wall in such a position you’ll have to virtually stand on the toilet to open the door when you leave. This seat lining task will take some time to complete as the dispenser will only let you take one sheet before the perforations tear and then you’ll have to repeatedly thrust your arm back inside to find the end of the roll and spin it whilst attempting to grab anything that feels like it may be an end, much like a farm vet helping to deliver a calf that’s breach. You will need approximately twice the amount of single sheets to the surface area of the seat as each time you move, or breathe, a sheet will be blown from the seat to the floor ( now we know where that tissue on the floor came from ) so I suggest you complete this task with the stealth of a ninja. In fact once seated you will need to call upon your newly learnt ninja skills because if you dare even turn your head a few degrees to one side to read the ‘hilarious’ graffiti or to reach into your pocket or simply cough then the automatic flush sensor behind you will presume that you have finished your business, stood up and require it to flush, which it shall duly do creating a small tsunami directly below your private parts, spraying them with soiled freezing cold water. This process will repeat several times as you are sat with your arm frantically flailing inside the dispenser attempting to extract more than one sheet of paper without drawing blood on the totally unnecessary serrated tissue paper cutter. Finally having gathered enough single sheets of tissue to of completed the task in hand you’ll stand up, button your trousers and await the flush, which doesn’t come despite the fact that you are now stood and performing some kind of flush dance, that’s flush dance not Flashdance by the way, as you wiggle your body and wave your hand around in desperation that the sensor might see you. But it doesn’t see you no matter how hard you try to attract its attention, it just blinks its evil little green LED eye as if it were winking and laughing at you. After making sure there isn’t anyone waiting to enter the cubicle after you leave you’ll give up, walk out then once you are exactly 4 steps away from the cubicle in a final act of mocking the sensor will decide to flush. Being a person that practices good hygiene you will now have to shuffle along the line of basins pumping each soap dispenser with the ferocity of a paramedic performing chest compressions, all of them will be empty but will gurgle and splutter out a tiny amount of soap until you have accumulated just enough to wash your hands. You now have a choice, the icy arctic like water of the cold or the near volcanic temperature of the hot taps, choose wisely, or you could attempt to cup your hands and mix the two, if you do then I suggest starting with the cold. Hands nice and clean and or frozen or burnt you will now proceed to the electric hand dryer, which will be one of two types, one of which will blow with the force of a tornado propelling enough water droplets onto your shoes that you will now appear to have urinated on them or the alternative type that may offer just slightly more warm air than a heavily panting St Bernard. If you are very fortunate there may be one of those fancy new airblade dryers which do complete the job of actually drying your hands both swiftly and efficiently but will also create enough noise to scare every small child within 50 feet. If you don’t regularly use these public conveniences then don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you can, hold it in until you get home.
Posted on: Sat, 20 Dec 2014 09:24:42 +0000
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