Im an oddball that finds herself up at 4am thinking about stuff. Most days I need a holiday from my own mind. As much as I need a holiday from here. I was barely on for 4 hours or something here last evening, and everything about this place over the last few weeks and months has had me wondering why Im here. I find I need to run away so often. But running away doesnt stop the thinking. And there probably is a specific place in this world for a creature shaped like me. I dont understand a world that likes profile pictures more than work done. A world that does not always appreciate hardwork, but falls for talk. A world that kicks a person when he/she is down. A world that feeds on lies and gossip. On that last point there, personally, over the last few months, Ive been trying to wrap my head around people who open their mouths without license or respect. Im trying very hard to see them as human, and Im failing. People dont realize that their loose talk hurts others. Destroys trust between people. Gossip circles and enters the ears of people who arent even interested. It hurts people who are minding their own business, if not also dealing with shit. And it affects even people who actually happen to love each other. And all of that hurts me. Maybe Im here to categorically say I cannot be friends with people who hurt others like that. And Im faulty enough as a human being to not be too forgiving of you, if youve been spreading lies about people I care about. I dont care if you think Im a shit writer, it doesnt stop me from doing my work everyday. But I do care about what comes out of your mouth. Over the last few months I myself have failed in keeping my own anger in check. Because so much is confusing. But what is clear to me is Im not likely to even look at you if youve caused hurt to someone unfairly or caused rifts between people. I dont care who you are, or what influence you think you have, or what rights you think you have to talk ill of other people... we just cannot be friends. Please send your Facebook friendship requests elsewhere. Because besides not accepting new requests for the moment, Im also going to prune my list again. Especially if we hardly engage here. We can always meet in real life and find ways to be interested in each others work. And I know that I just need to be away from here more and more. Because Im working, most of the time. When Im not in physical pain and I can, I work. I also ruminate and go nuts thinking about why life is so crappy sometimes, but for all my disenchantment, and sadness over certain behaviours, I think what brings me back here even if only for an hour or two, or sometimes two days (I cant predict anymore how it goes) is this: the world needs healing. And there are good people in it. And people I care about are working. I can only hope for healing where rifts have taken place. I can only hope that love wins, as it always tends to. And if not for the kindness of a few strangers and friends, Id have given up motivating myself a long time ago. Whatever else is meant for me comes my way anyway. We cannot and do not lose forever what is ours. And yet, what is not ours, is best not had. It took me a while to write this with a frozen shoulder. Care if you can. Or dont. Do expect, though, Im going to be annoying and keep going off radar whenever I feel like it. And I may or may not accept friendship requests... I may even remove you. Try not to be offended. This isnt where I live my life. And I take people seriously, and believe in them as passionately as I believe in the work I am given to do. I may not win a single Pushcart, but I do have to keep working. And I have to be as true as I can be regardless of loss or gain or good news or bad news or love or hate. Even in spite of my own failings. That is all I know, and that is all I have the energy to try and do each day.
Posted on: Fri, 01 Aug 2014 01:17:30 +0000
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