Im feeling very at sea just now. With two nine-hour drives back from Florida, I had lots of time alone with my thoughts. Ive been saying goodbye to my mother for so long that I was almost ready to hear she had passed; in truth, it was a mercy. When I left for Florida and she was still lucid, she insisted that I go, and that I give her love to Hugo, who had spoken with her on the phone more than once and who she loved because of his many kindnesses to me. When I saw Hugo in Atlanta I was shocked, but it was so good to see him I hope I hid it. I was determinedly positive in Key West because everyone else was; the thought was that Cancer Treatment Center doesnt take people they cant help, and I so wanted to believe that was true. It was a heavy blow to learn within 20 minutes that they both passed within half an hour of each other. And on the way home, I felt guilty when I thought of one as if I was doing a disservice to the other, so I concentrated in my solitude as I drove on the practical things that I would have to deal with when I got home so I could avoid the deeper things. I still am, in a way. I havent cried. I find it impossible to read the Facebook tributes to Hugo, and my sister is handling the phone calls dealing with my mother. I am making financial calculations and trying to figure out the best course for my sister and niece and myself financially. The practical remains my focus. I know that I will hit that wall, but Im not there yet. So I am feeling somewhat cold and inadequate, as if I am not properly mourning. And in a weird way, now that my future has opened up, I cant help thinking about that future. I know my mother would want that, and I suspect that Hugo would insist on it. Right now, though, I am in emotional limbo. I find it so hard to accept that my mother, my aunt, and Hugo are all gone within so short a time. My world has shifted on its axis and the practical is the only steady reference point. I know life goes on. I think Im ready. But Im not ready to leave lives behind either. Mother and Aunt Nan and Hugo, I will never forget you. You all helped me and taught me, and I just hope that wherever you are headed, you all met up and shared thoughts and decided your time wasnt wasted. Thank you. I will miss you forever.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 20:16:10 +0000
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