Im going to dig really deep here and share. My struggle comes from being bullied and picked on daily for being gay while growing up. This has been my struggle all my life, and one a lot of you have already heard. You would think after all of this time, therapy and counseling, I wouldnt be concerned with what people think of me, but I do, and sometimes it feels almost impossible to let go of it. I should be able to let go of the need for certainty, the anxiety, that exhaustion is a status symbol of my self-worth, trying to be cool or always in control, and my own self-doubt. There are days where I just want to hide and not be seen. There are days when Im just scared and feel powerless. So, what do I do on these days? I HUSTLE! I hustle to be accepted, I hustle for approval, I hustle to hide my fear, I hustle for validation. All of this hustling around, trying to build a mask of what I think everyone else wants to see or wants me to be...a shield that I believe will protect me. Actually, the shield helps for a moment...a very short moment. But, its not being authentic, and sometimes living in true authenticity is so dang hard to do. There are days I cry and get angry when I think about those a$$ holes in school, how miserable it was, how scared I was, and still am! How that boy felt so beaten down! He is still alive inside me, hurting and scared of those classrooms, the lockers, gym class, the hall ways and those people who taunted and hit him. Im on a journey with that boy....its a freaking hard journey, one that has many hills and mountains to climb. I want to laugh, sing and dance....I want him to feel safe and that hes enough! Im want to live Wholehearted.
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 15:05:19 +0000
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