Im mad, and I dont want to forgive. They did terrible things that Im not going to describe here, but if youve been hurt, I dont have to explain. Youll understand without my details. So many nights I spend tossing in my bed, wondering if the God will ever step in and do something or if hes just going to let me fall into deeper and deeper levels of pain for some divine purpose I cant understand. Im ready for the Hallmark ending that makes some kind of sense. Im also scared to admit my struggle, because Ive been around religious people long enough to know that there are always a few correctors in the crowd. I should be gentle with the correctors, because they tend to be a wreck if you look closely enough. Either they are desperately trying to manage their own wild feelings, or they dont exercise self control over food or drink, or they dont think very deeply, or they dont do a very good job of being vulnerable. Theres almost always something bizarre about them that causes them to jump from empathy to fixing. Still, when they swoop in with an over-simplified exhortation, I feel an initial flush of shame, horrified that my sin has been named so boldly. I feel shame, then a dull sort of anger, because correctors drive to the scene of a spiritual car wreck and start exhorting people people to stop bleeding or else they are going to die. Then they get back in their cars and drive off. I know good and well that Im bleeding, thanks. I did a search on the commands of Jesus, and I grimaced to note that out of the 38 someone had listed, I was ignoring quite a few. Top of the list was forgiveness. Ignoring is the wrong word. Its not like I havent tried. Ive read all sorts of resources on how to make forgiveness work, strategies ranging from time management, to doing your enemy good, to serving those in need. Still, when I look at my family and see how they have been wounded, the anger comes pouring back in. Last night my husband and I were in bed, and under the cover of darkness I asked, Have you forgiven them? He said, Several times. It seems like I have to keep forgiving them over and over again. Yes. Thats how it is. The words of Jesus burn. Eugene Peterson translated them this way: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Here’s another old saying that deserves a second look: “Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.” Is that going to get us anywhere? Here’s what I propose: “Don’t hit back at all.” If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. You’re familiar with the old written law, “Love your friend,” and its unwritten companion, “Hate your enemy.” I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Oh, Jesus. I cant. I just cant! Can I? And no, those people dont bring out the best in me. They bring out the worst. As much as I dont like them, I hate even more who I am at the hands of their abuse. They expose what I dont believe about You and Your love. They reveal how little I have let You saturate me. Its perfectly humiliating. You are going to let their selfishness expose MY sin. What about THEIR sin? (I know women who pray by writing in floral journals while sipping cups of tea, but I tend turn into my children fighting in the backseat. He hit me first!) In the months and years leading up to the first Advent, the people of Israel were wanting a military leader to come in and kick the butts of their oppressors. Israel was dead dog tired of being victimized. Its easy enough to look back at their expectations with condescension. How stupid did you guys have to be to ignore hundreds of years worth of prophecies? How selfish and small to want a Messiah for revenge... a Messiah who would be more interested in exalting you in the face of injustice than in providing grace and healing for your enemies? But truth be told, it is Advent of 2014, and I want the exact same thing. I want Jesus Rambo to rush in and level the playing field. I have so much to learn. Oh, Unmade, Unsafe God, God who chooses what I never seem to expect. You, who chose to be born in the garments of disgrace, You, who were born into gossip, You, who lived a life that seemed to be intent on rejection,, You, who lived with us, but who was never comprehended, You, who stood in a flood of accusation and misunderstanding... in silence, You, who died slowly... not in three days... but over thirty-three years, I am nothing like You. Whatever it means to love You, its not easy. I am hot like Peter, swinging swords, cutting off ears. Hear me roar! And tame me. Whatever this baby is, come to earth, show me how to listen to Him and trust Him. Make me me willing to adapt. Whatever it is You are, Emmanuel, help me receive.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 15:58:14 +0000
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