Im off up Whitby in an hour for a couple days. I leave my flat to be looked after by THE biggest land dwelling creature with 8 legs to ever exist in the history of this here world we live on. It was so big that it was whistling during its leisurely and largely carefree stroll across my bedroom floor. I swear it had a hat and suitcases and was reading a book. Fiction. I hope that on my return my flat hasnt turned into an arachnids paradise, or some sort of 5 star spider hotel. I can tell its German because I think its already put out its spider towel on its spider deckchair. Probably revelling in the football score. Drunk. Causing trouble. Shouting who ate all the flies. Bigger than a battleship it was. If ships had legs... Honestly. It elegantly glided across the carpet like someone out of the Winter Olympics, minus the audience and with much higher temperatures. It probably laughed as I spent nearly an hour poking things with sticks and shining torches into the place which I could only guess it had ended up. Sitting there with its cigar and copy of the Sun. Not giving a shit. Im expecting to find my furniture replaced with gambling machines, a spider version of Las Vegas. 8 arm bandits. If anyone sees this monster jogging anywhere in north Hertfordshire then please let me know. Probably with a sweat band on, headphones, spider shades for spider eyes. Spider trainers. When I return, I want you out. Hope this message reaches you.
Posted on: Fri, 11 Jul 2014 06:05:23 +0000
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