Im seriously ready to snap. I hold all this shit inside and then people push me and push me and somehow Ive managed to keep it all together. I try to open up and explain it to people who dont understand or who dont listen. Im depressed and surrounded by other depressed people and I feel like Im sinking. How am I supposed to lift myself and others up when everything and everyone is pulling me deeper down. People want to hang out and see me because they are feeling just like me and I cant pull myself out of my depressed prison cell long enough to connect with people and have a few moments of happiness because for every moment of happiness I feel it makes the depression that much worse. I avoid calling my own mom because just talking to her on the phone makes me miss her and my sister so badly that I cant even enjoy the conversation. I feel like if I keep myself down I wont have that far to fall when shit inevitably takes a turn for the worst. It takes every ounce of strength and determination I have to suck it up and continue this day after day. Ive been on the edge of giving up more times I can count but for some reason I cant let myself. Ive never been a positive thinking person but even this is a new low for me. I know I sound like a whiner and a cry baby by saying this and I know I should just suck it up because everyone feels basically the same way but Its getting harder and harder for me to deal with it. I know I have people who are here for me that I could easily reach out to an talk to but thats another problem all its own. Inside I want to reach out an talk to people but I talk myself out of it or say no just shut up dont say that its stupid, no one cares they have their own problems. The only reason Im posting this is because for some reason typing out how I feel makes it easier for me to get it out even if I know no one cares. I dont want a poor pitiful Holly party. I dont even really want anyone to try to comfort me. I just need to express it. You can take it for what it is and if you feel the same at least you know you are not alone.
Posted on: Sun, 09 Nov 2014 18:56:27 +0000
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