Im sitting in front of this magnificent fire I built hours ago and I am suddenly in a trance as I whisk back through the last three days in my mind, pausing only momentarily on any one memory so that I can continue my mental romp through the day just before Thanksgiving and today. First, I got to spend time with ALL of my boys this weekend. This makes for REALLY memorable and colorful times as all of my kids are different and this holiday I got to spend time with each one on one. It was nothing short of divine. So now I am chowing down on some select items and smiling as I replay a conversation with one, or some silly or odd thing that the other has done. And out of nowhere I am slammed backwards, just for a few moments, back years and months and days, and my two older sons are four and five and we are sewing a quilt in the living room listening to the song they have now aptly named The Quilting Song because we listen to it every single time we sit down to work on this terrifying wonderful nightmare of a quilt we are making from fabric items they have selected as memory worthy or something one of them doesnt want to forget. Piece of a baby blanket here, a square with a boy fishing there, because both of them like fishing. The quilt is really ugly and so beautiful it is breathtaking. And then the hard part of the memory. Why couldnt I have just stopped and paused and let the moment wash over me and realized at that very moment in time, be still. I always had to be in a rush. My little four year old Jeremy, turning 20 years old next week. Why couldnt I slow down and take more moments with him when he just wanted my attention, my time. He wanted to know he was as important as my new job as a Paramedic. He was mesmorized by this title. It was so grand to him. Why didnt I stop and realize that it was about to come flying past and I would be here today, in the car, him driving, as we head to Lodi outlets to shop? Wednesday night, my oldest son, Sean, 21, home with me. Just him and me. Sitting side by side talking. And again, I am slammed with a moment when he was younger and some things had come along and bombarded his emotions and left him a little bereft. And it took me so long to notice that he was hurting. I was so absorbed in my job, so often mentally absent from my children when I am sure that I would have made a wiser investment of my time and my emotions if I would have taken the time to stop. To realize that there would very likely not be another moment like that one, where my oldest son would need me for very much of anything. But I was always in a rush. I didnt know how to see back then, because I wasnt able to be on the other side like I am now. Now I sit before two young men, 21 and 20, who have taught me through trial and error and who were complicit in my horrible lapses of judgement, my enormous errors, my huge failures, and everything else that squeezed in around these things. Now I know. And now I have a little 3.75 year old who demands, LOOK at me. Look Im putting both of my arms in all the way to my shoulders in the fish tank. LOOK! I am going to pull the 15 gallon tank over on myself and impale myself on a water filter. LOOK. Now I have no choice and it is beautiful. Now no one asks me if he or she can be a priority. My little autistic Adam, my smallest son and tenderest love, commands every second, every inch, every bit of energy and attention that I possess. He has forced me to be still. He has forced me to just wait. He has said with his face and his voice and his gestures even before he started speaking 8 months ago, I need you. All of you. This is just how I learned. It is a beautiful way to learn when you get to start all over with one child who you never expected. Who waltzed in and caught EVERYBODY off guard. (Ross Marchetta MD OB/GYN included...oh youll never get pregnant again with all of that endometriosis.) I agree. Never. And along came Adam. Apparently there were some lessons that God thought I would only learn from him. And thats what Im doing now. I am thankful to be learning this from him. He is a gentle and joyous little teacher.
Posted on: Sat, 29 Nov 2014 04:01:33 +0000
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