Im still sad. Im sad every day. I still cry almost every day. But Im not sad all the time. Im not sad the entire day. And my tears are the silent, momentary ones that remind me I still have strong feelings but that I am together enough to let them come when they come and continue when theyve passed. I will never get over losing Michael. I will never get over the heartbreaking loss that his death caused, nor will I ever get over missing his love so much. But I can get used to it. I can get used to not texting him about things. I can get used to not calling him for advice or directions while Im out. I can get used to making decisions on my own. I can get used to not being next to him at night. I can get used to him not being around. It may take a long time, but eventually wounds heal. Generally they heal into scars, but they heal. Or you die from them, but thats a tongue-in-cheek comparison. Things change. Life changes. Theres nothing I can do but accept it. I accept that Michael died. I dont like it but I accept it because its an unchangeable fact. I accept that my life and attitude and future was altered permanently that day. I accept the good things that are happening now, for the boys and for myself. I accept that I will have his influence for the rest of my life, even without him here. I accept that I will have sad days and I will cry, and I will miss him; I accept that some day in the future I will be busy forging my way ahead through this life with our boys and he may not cross my mind for a day or days at a time and I will accept that as normal and not feel guilt for it because it does not mean I love him any less. It just means Ive gotten used to things being how they are. I accept the things I cannot change. Im glad Ive found the courage to change that which I want to be changed and the wisdom to know the difference.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 03:49:35 +0000
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