Im writing this now because on the 17th of October it will be 2 years that Michael passed away.I dont know how I will feel on the 17th so here goes. It is almost as though I am standing on a beautiful beach,alone with the ocean,I seem to know instinctively that the ocean out there represents the grief I have for my son.The ocean is facing me with all its strength and power again as it did when Michael drowned.It is about to make me yet another terrifying visit. The short reprieve is finished.I have had a few days or a few weeks where I have been able to almost function,But now I know with shocking,terrifying dread that full force of grief for my son is about to hit me again with a vengeance. When I know this,it feels as though my feet are stuck in the sand at the waters edge and I cannot turn away.There seems to be a force corning from somewhere outside of myself that just has to be heard,no matter what. There doesnt seem to be any choice or refuge for me when the time comes so I have learnt that sometimes it can be better to just hold onto myself with love,trust,who I am above all else and learn to lean into the storm. When I at last lean into this storm the almighty waves smash into my very being from every direction. They push me this way and that.There seems to be no end to the constant incredibly high waves of grief facing me. I look at each one knowing their power and awful strength. I feel the full force of my grief running through me.The pain and sorrow is unrelenting. No-where to turn except inside myself. The awful painful truth is looking me right in the face;I cannot hide now,there it is. Gradually, gradually these large waves and the awful storm begins to subside.Gradually I can see the waves getting smaller and smaller. The awful howling of the storm starts to abate.Suddenly, my feet are able to free themselves from being frozen in the sand. I look at the ocean again and see that she has quietened down now, the storm has nearly passed. I am still standing. I turn from where I was transfixed in the sand and quietly walk away towards the dunes.I am exhausted,my energy seems to have gone out with the waves. As I get to my car,I look over my shoulder to take another look at the beach. I now see soft waves rolling in, the storm clouds have parted and the sun is trying to come out.I see a place of quiet peace. A lone seagull squawks as it spirals upwards overhead. I think the paralysing waves of grief for Michael come indeed in the most powerfully strong feelings.Symbolically like the huge lashing waves that come in during a violent storm. At this stage in my grief I have noticed that I am getting little reprieves here and there from that awful,unrelenting grief.This does not mean that I am not grieving for my Michael,just that at times it is a little softer on me(Thank goodness for Kim and Dan) From the bottom of my heart I am asking you all to be careful in the sea. Show love and caring. The time on this earth is short.Thankyou all for reading. I know it is long. XXXXXX
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 13:05:55 +0000
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