In eulogizing a year… The ladder part of 2013 through now in 2014 has been profoundly difficult from the perspective of losing loved ones. The most recent one of these breath stealing moments came just yesterday and although I am still working to process it all and will likely be for some time, I have found a little bit of peace surrounding the gift of remembrance and life I was blessed to take part in today. Just over two years ago, I took my Yoga teacher training at a place that is immeasurably meaningful to me. A place where I truly feel I was reborn and recommitted to a path of love, healing, and compassion – for both myself and others. A dear friend of mine, who is currently training there, contacted me earlier this week to ask me to come up and visit her as she is going through a hard time and “needed” me. I responded to the request by booking a day trip only 1 day before hearing of my most recent loss. Little did I know that the universe was arranging that trip for ME - so that I might begin to more fully heal the wounds that have been ripped open time and time again, all in the span of approximately one calendar year. After taking a restorative Yoga class that was extremely emotional, I decided NOT to take the vigorous vinyasa class that I had planned to take that was right after this class and held in the very same room, despite the fact that it would have offered a welcome and strenuous distraction from what I was feeling in that moment. Instead, I chose to close my eyes and stand in reflective thought and ask my heart what it wanted. “Go outside and take a walk,” was the clear answer that came through. Immediately I opened my eyes looking much like a deer in headlights O_O ... OUTSIDE?!?! That message could NOT be serious. That message could NOT understand how much I loathe the cold and what a remarkably BAD idea that this must undoubtedly be…so, I asked again. “Go outside and take a walk,” was reaffirmed loud and clear. As is part of my stubborn ass personality, I HAD to ask just once more because I was certain this could NOT be a message coming from my heart but rather I was one step closer to losing my ENTIRE mind. As audible as the people around me, I hear my (deceased) Grandmother (Petra) say, “will you go take a damn walk already”? So, I hesitantly and more than half-begrudgingly complied (after bundling up, of course). As I walked the grounds aimlessly, I welled up with emotion and kind of wondered what the sam shit hell I was going out here in this brisk – BRISK – weather. I then began to gaze down at my feet and simply watched them take one step after the other, having little care for where we were headed. They led me to the meditation garden; an oval shaped stone path that is surrounded by trees and infused with the healing energy of Mother Earth, the compassion of the universe, paved in the center with stones, and riddled with gift from people who have found their way to this place toward their healing. In the entrance of this path is a bell that is intended to be rung upon entering as to call your spiritual allies, angels, and guides to your side. I forwent the ringing of the bell when I first entered as it seemed just too much “effort” for how I was feeling in that moment – plus, my grandmother was clearly trying to freeze me out with her crazy message. The first thing I noticed was a tree; broken at its base but not fallen. Rather, the tree was being held up from falling to the ground by the other trees around it. It caught so much of my attention that I stopped and stared at it in inquisitive wonder…”what are you trying to tell me with this?” I thought. The message became clear to me moments after taking the opportunity to take a picture. I felt like that that tree – split at the base and in this moment feeling like I was falling. Then the bigger picture became clear – I, like the tree, am being held up by the strength of those who surround me in this amazing and crazy and sweet life of mine. We all do that for one another, whether we know it or not or whether it has been verbalized to us or not. The second thing that caught my eye was the meticulous work of someone not known to me who took the time to scribe in stones, “follow your bliss.” I stopped also to take it in ad take a picture. And just like that – B. A. M. – I knew why I was guided here. I was guided here to continue my own healing and commemorate these amazing souls. People who I knew to varying depths; People who were gifted into and taken much too early out of my life; People who had touched so many lives the list was impossible to quantify. ALL of them making a lasting and sweet imprint on my own personal journey and ALL of whom I loved dearly. I knew in that moment how I would choose to remember them in this place of rebirth and recommitment for myself. I would scribe their names in stones to be left in this sacred space; to be held by the earth, to have our sweet mother send healing through her rich soil to ALL people who were touched by their presence in their own lives. I ran to the center of the walking path and I began to grab handfuls of stones, most of which that were seemingly “cemented” into the ground with the frost that had occurred. I dug anyway. I grabbed my first handful for Dawn Newell and whispered into the stones, “Where do you want to be, my love” and I glanced around until the spot was revealed to me and I could FEEL where she wanted to be remembered by me; I wrote. I grabbed the second handful for Susan Vallo and whispered, “Where do you want to be, dear heart?” – her space was revealed to me and I knelt down and “wrote.” I repeated this same process for Keith Ervin , Dan Tracy , and for Kjuan Dawn Lissimore. I added an “ALL” name for anyone and everyone my forgetful human mind may have forgotten in that moment and for anyone not known to me whose loved ones also needed this support. As dug and wrote, I could feel my fingers literally burning with the cold that was being so tightly held in the frost covered stones. I could feel the whipping of the wind as it danced across my tear soaked face and made it hard to breathe, let alone focus on the making the letters of each name “just right.” I could feel the cold creeping into my coat and making its way down my back and my legs. BUT instead of feeling anger, pain, resentment, or frustration – all I felt in those moments was ALIVE. I felt ALIVE and filled with GRATITUDE and LOVE that not only was I still here to FEEL that cold, I was here in humble gratitude for these amazing people who added so much individual depth to the tapestry of my life. Had I not been blessed with them, I could not miss them. Had I not been afforded the opportunity to love them in this lifetime, I could NOT feel the sadness from their passing and simultaneously celebrate their lives and what they meant in and to my own. I felt – and I felt – and I felt until all the names were in their rightful place. I went back to the start of the path and I rang that bell for EACH of them with such force that I was CERTAIN that the sound vibration could be heard all the way up into the heavens with the intention to put them on notice that someone was standing in remembrance of their lives in that very moment. I then silently began to walk the path and took pictures of each name and stood in humble remembrance of who I believe each of them to be at their core – pure love; infinite, eternal, and whole. In those individual moments of silence all I felt was their presence surrounding me, assuring me – each in their own way – that they were at peace and they know how much love they had in this lifetime. I felt them as clearly as I heard the birds around me crying out, as trees dancing in the wind as though waving at them, and as the sound of people’s voices passing in the distance. I closed my eyes and just felt what I felt - how I felt it without the need to change it, and stood in deep appreciation, compassionate awareness, and love of this process we call life. Thank you all for coming into this lifetime of mine. Thank you for the sweetness you all add to my path. Thank you for allowing me another day to feel all that makes up this journey I am on. And for those who were present in that sacred garden today – thank you for reminding me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment. May peace, love, light, healing, joy, compassion, and grace surround and hold us all!! I LOVE YOU!
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 01:55:24 +0000
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