In high school I played the clarinet in the Billings High School concert band. A few years ago I heard on Garrison Keillor’s radio show “The Young Lutheran’s Guide to the Symphony Orchestra. This inspired me to write “The Young Mormon’s Guide to the Concert Band.” BYU’s renown faculty member (now retired) Murray Boren composed the music for the piece. It has been performed a few times. Below is the text. Music has always been an important part of Mormon culture. And so, if you, a young Mormon, want to be a musician, you ought to ask yourself, which instrument is the best one for a Mormon to play? Probably not the trumpet. It is tempting for a Mormon to consider learning to play the trumpet. After all, on top of every temple stands a statue of the angel Moroni with a trumpet to his mouth. And so, it may seem a natural choice. However, you need to be careful. Most concert goers would prefer if the trumpet section was, like Moroni, on the roof of a building miles away. Take up the trumpet and you’ll spend your life being asked if there isn’t some other place you can practice. If Moroni actually did play the trumpet, it’s understandable why he wandered through the Americas alone for so many years. The same could happen to you if you take up the trumpet. So be careful. Should a young Mormon learn to play the French Horn? When you hear a French horn, you know something is about to happen you haven’t experienced for a long time. A really bad headache. Do you really want to play an instrument that to sound good requires you to stuff your fist into the horn to prevent more sound from coming out? A french horn has enough pipes in it to do an extra bathroom. During the concert, a French horn player takes the instrument apart, shaking the spit out. At the end of the concert, the floor is drenched with saliva. Let me ask you a question. Is syncopated spitting in public places what you want out of your life? I don’t think so. Should you consider playing the trombone? The trombone is the only instrument in the band that can literally reach out and touch someone. Young man, if the only reason you’re in band is to meet girls, then the trombone is for you. You’ll have hours and hours to make friends. Trombone players end up driving pickups with the front fender rusted out. They become deer hunters and make their own jerky. They’re the only ones in the band who pick their teeth during a concert to get rid of all that jerky. Should a Mormon learn to play the tuba? To play the tuba is to play half notes for the rest of your life. The sounds coming from a tuba are mostly absorbed by the curtains on the stage. The only time anyone pays attention to the tuba section is when it comes time to load the tour bus. Of musicians who used to work for the Mafia but are now in the witness protection program most end up in the tuba section. That’s because nobody has ever seen the face of a tuba player. He’s like a duck hunter who carries around his own personal duck blind. Should you take up the euphonium? To play the euphonium is to force your parents into buying a mini-van. Euphoniums used to be called baritones. That should make you a little suspicious. Do you really want to play an instrument that has an alias? Because euphoniums have a range of about four notes they very seldom are given a solo. That is good for a Mormon because one of our beliefs is to be humble. And with the euphonium there is much to be humble about. So you might consider playing the euphonium. And now we come to the woodwinds. Should you, a young Mormon, play the oboe? How can you give serious attention to an instrument that sounds like a duck with a cold? Even so, if you want to play in a band but find music boring, perhaps the oboe is for you because you can sit there serenely with a knife and string and some wood and make your own reeds. It’s like camp crafts for the rest of your life. Remember this though: the only ones who find oboe music charming are snakes. So maybe you should forget about the oboe. And now we come to the clarinet. Many young Mormons begin in band playing the clarinet. It’s a good instrument for a band because they sit in front where everyone can see them and they often play the melody. When clarinet players make it to the orchestra though, it’s like a demotion. They end up hidden from the audience. Nobody every upstages the violins, so you could end up doing nothing but sixteenth note runs to symbolize the hustle and bustle of modern city life. Clarinets require reeds, which are little pieces of wood that are either too thin or too thick. Take up the clarinet and you’ll spend all your money on sand paper. Should you consider playing the flute? Of all the instruments, the sound of a flute brings to mind purity and singleness of heart. When we hear a flute, we naturally think of virtue. Women flutists become Relief Society teachers who can’t give a lesson without a table cloth and a center piece. They become Primary teachers who smile and say, “I want everyone to put on their listening ears now.” But that’s not so bad, is it? So maybe the flute would be just right for you. The sound coming from a bass clarinet is so low that few people can hear it. If you hear a clicking sound in a band, it’s probably the bass clarinets playing. Bass clarinet players don’t hope for much from their band experience, and their expectations often come true. The audience knows they’re doing something. They just don’t know what it is. When bass clarinetists get old, they become bitter and cynical. They wax the podium hoping the conductor will fall and wipe out the clarinet section, so at last they’ll be noticed. So avoid the bass clarinet. It looks innocent enough but it will turn you into a twisted cynic. You don’t need that in your life. And now we come to the saxophone. The saxophone has a mellow sound but don’t let that fool you. At first beginning students play “Nearer My God to Thee,” but then they start listening to jazz, and before you know it, they don’t play a concert with their saxophone. Oh, no! They play a gig with their axe! It’s a slippery slope and one you don’t want to go down. We all owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to piccolo players. During the Revolutionary War, as George Washington marched his troops from place to place, he always had a piccolo player and a drummer to lead the way. Strangely enough, it was often the piccolo player the British troops fired on first. Playing the piccolo is like being a crazed aunt that the rest of the family keeps hidden in the basement. Nobody at a family gathering will ever ask you to play the piccolo. On second thought, maybe that isn’t so bad after all. Bassoon music makes one think of only one thing– Daffy Duck. If you do take up the bassoon, never carry it over your shoulder or you risk being thought of as a crazed postal worker. Police will seal off the area and call out, “Please put the bazooka down and back away!” Actually that’s pretty good advice for the bassoon too. And now we come to the string section. The only strings allowed in a concert band is the bass, and that’s a good thing. Show me a family where a son or daughter is starting to take violin lessons and I’ll show you a dad who spends a great deal of time outside, mowing the lawn in the summer, shoveling the driveway in the winter. And if his kid is still practicing, shoveling the snow off the lawn and then mowing it. Mormon pioneers at the end of the day often gathered around the campfire for music. It’s not that the violin inspired them to carry on. Mostly it made them mad enough they vowed to get ahead of the wagon train the next day so they wouldn’t have to listen to more violin music. And so, unless you enjoy tormenting your family, a young Mormon should avoid taking up the violin. And now we come to the percussion section. Will you shut up? Thank you. A percussionist in a band is like the Terminator. No matter how many times you think you’ve got rid of him, he’ll be back. Percussionists stand poised like the angel of doom waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting melody. They hog the attention of the audience. Even when they’re not playing, they’re bending over tuning the kettle drum, picking up cymbals. Through it all, they give no indication they’re even listening to the band. To them everything the band does is just back- ground music. Maybe that’s because they’ve lost their hearing. And so if you, a young Mormon wish to play in a concert band, there are only two choices for you–the flute or the euphonium. If a euphonium player could find a flute player, they wouldn’t even need a band. They could get married and play beautiful music in their home. Until children come. But that, of course, is another story.
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 14:40:37 +0000
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