In two days I am off to Florida to attend a 10-day therapeutic workshop with the Star Foundation (starfound.org). They say they use clinically proven methods of conquering depression and anxiety and particularly address early developmental trauma. I am hopeful that this will help deepen my therapy work and help me with my goal of becoming more my own best friend. I feel desperately lonely rather often, and I try to treat it in a codependent fashion by becoming my friends helpers -- you need company, a ride somewhere, a chatty lunch partner, an extra moving-day body, Im your girl. I want so much to be needed and appreciated, and I go out of my way to have that happen. But beneath it all, I do not feel that I need or appreciate myself, and this makes my friends thanks hard for me to take seriously, no matter how much they and I try. And sometimes warm words from my friends just make me cry because they put me in touch with my starvation for that warmth. Im looking for lovingkindness, but when I find it, it hurts so much I must draw away. Im hoping this retreat will give me some tools to begin to accept the wonderful friends I have, and feel more connection to all of you. And of course, the early developmental trauma is a thing; I am sure the reason I am so unable to feel my friends love is rooted in things that happened a very long time ago. I want to rewrite my childhood story in a way that changes those early traumas and lets me see the healthy roots. Wish me luck. I will certainly need it.
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 06:50:32 +0000
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