Incredulously Insipid Misadventures of the Stupidest Stuperfly #1: ‘the curious case number one: the trip to Johannesburg...’ ‘Eish...but this number one!’ said the truck-driver as he accelerated onto the highway, ‘he thinks he is the only one supposed to be having fun...’ The lady just smiled as she leaned over and kissed him politely on the cheek, ‘thank you for picking me up...’ ‘Just look at this newspaper article!’ he said, ‘this number one is securing his retirement and his business interests for him and his family at our expense...’ The lady smiled, ‘I think I saw his blue light convoy speed past the truck-stop earlier today!’ ‘That can’t be him...he uses his official jet now!!!’ ‘He has a jet?’ asked the female companion with obvious envy. ‘And they are trying to buy him a new one...’ ‘Another one?’ she stammered, ‘I remember him from the days he had no car and no house...I suppose that’s what happens when you are number one!’ ‘Eish...ja...but we must blame apartheid!’ he said with an air of resignation. ‘Why...apartheid is dead...we must move on!’ she said with growing confidence. ‘Hey...wena...the day when the one white truck driver gives you a lift is the day I say apartheid is dead...until then...it is alive...and kicking!’ ‘But how do you work out its apartheid’s fault?’ ‘Well’, he reasoned, ‘if we didn’t have apartheid then he would have had to go to school like everyone else...and, who knows...he might have even ended up with a respectable job as a truck-driver...’ She laughed, ‘Oh Amos...you make me laugh!’ ‘My name is not Amos!’ he replied. She laughed again, ‘you see...you make me laugh even if your name is now Amos....’ ‘My name is TD!’ he said. ‘TD?’ she continued with her throaty laugh, ‘what kind of name is that...is it like JZ?’ ‘No!’ he answered, ‘Its short for truck driver! Everyone calls me TD!’ This ‘Number One’ must certainly be a very important person, I thought, as TD tried to swat me again. I asked myself how I got into this situation and then I remembered the episode with the McDonalds and the transporter. I looked up at the sky and thought that my alter-ego was up there somewhere warm and safe and discovering more than just the greasy weave of an afro as it fluttered in the spring chill. TD stopped several times along the way and each time I had to untangle myself from the matted knots of the perm and find safety on the ceiling of the cab while he stretched his legs and watered the grass. Once, when I was busy reading the newspaper that he had on the top of the dashboard, he stopped suddenly and disappeared with the newspaper and I didn’t see that newspaper again and so I didn’t know how the story ended and, for some reason, I could not even communicate with TD because he didn’t seem to understand my sign language. I didn’t even understand what he meant when he said to his sleepy companion, ‘Ah...I introduced number one to number two!!!’ It didn’t seem like number two referred to the deputy even if he would take over if number one was suddenly declared brain dead or, heaven forbid, recalled for some reason or the other. TD drove through the night while his sleepy companion snored gently. He tried to nudge her awake but she seemed deep in slumber and, by the looks of it, actively engaged in a somewhat weird dream. ‘Eish!’, he said to himself, ‘I wonder what she is dreaming about...but whatever it is she will have to wake up soon because we are entering Heidelberg....hey wake up!’ She stirred slightly and he nudged her again, ‘Hey wake up! We are nearing Heidelberg and you know the police there don’t like us to stop on the highway...’ She awoke and said, ‘Hey don’t worry about them...I’ll bribe them with my charms!’ TD laughed, ‘Your charms are fading...the last time I had to bribe them with real money!’ She turned away as if insulted by his statement about her charms. He didn’t seem to mind the few moments of silence as he pulled off the highway. ‘My payment!’ she demanded, ‘and you have to pay extra for insulting me!’ TD laughed, ‘you never heard of depreciation?’ ‘What’s that?’ she asked. ‘You say that I must show my appreciation and I say you must accept your depreciation!’ ‘I don’t understand!’ she shot back, ‘where did you hear this silly nonsense?’ ‘From the owner of the business...he says that the truck is an asset and that its value is depreciating every year and he says that I’m also an asset so my salary should decrease every year as well!’ ‘And you agreed?’ ‘I don’t understand these things!’ ‘Okay...but please give me my fifty rand...’ ‘Fifty Rand!’ he shouted, ‘last week it was twenty rand!’ ‘That’s inflation!” she laughed. TD waited for her to sprint across the highway to the southbound lanes and to hitch up her skirt so that it could signal to the next truck that she was ready for business. He grinned as he saw one of the trucks stop and she was on her way back to the truck-stop wherefrom she hailed in the first instance. I ducked as he tried to swat me again. Tune in for the next Incredulously Insipid Misadventures of the Stupidest Stuperfly #2: ‘the curious case number one: we are marching to Pretoria...’
Posted on: Mon, 07 Oct 2013 10:37:23 +0000
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