Insert 72 I could see the hurt and dissappointment in my moms eyes.Tears immediately formed in her eyes kodwa she didnt cry. Mama:mntanam you cant keep doing this to the people who care about you the most.Everyone who has come to see you uyamgxotha and I cant let you do that.Wenze the same thing nayizolo when I came to visit kodwa namhlanje im not going anywhere,im not going to let my only child suffer ndijongile.Sanalwam you went through something tragic and thinking you can go through it alone is absurd,you need me,you need everyone that cares about you.Youre going to go through all of this with me by your side. I couldnt even argue with my mom,I just knew that that was one arguement I wouldnt win. My mom and Ave stayed with me for the rest of the day.Ave was really happy to see me,so was I.She made me happy all the time,even when I felt worthless. 6months later... Ive gone through alot in these past couple of months,ive been in such a bad space that at one point I became suicidal.I lost my confidence,my selflove and my dignity but with the help of my psychologist ive regained SOME of the things ive already listed kodwa im not perfect yet. Counselling has made a tremendous difference in my life,it provides a space to help you regain a clearer understanding of yourself and your situation.Deciding and making a commitment to have counselling is a very powerful and life affirming choice.In counselling you look at yourself,your relationships,and your life in general.It is not always easy or comfortable and perhaps the hardest part to come to terms with is the fact that you have to do the work yourself.A counsellor can only help to support you and explain whats going on but they cant do the work for you.You are the one who has to do the remembering,feel all of the emotions and make the changes.There are no easy answers and although I got angry with my psychologist,I kept reminding myself that she was just supportive through this stage.I had pretty confusing feelings because during the counselling I felt even worse than I felt and I ran out on her a couple of times but my mom never gave up,ebemane endiphindisela pha and she reassured me that it always feels like it gets worse but one of the things to be learned in counselling is that it is healthy to have feelings.At times I felt like I was going mad but now im starting to recognise my own patterns and I feel and interpret my own emotions. Buchule and I are not together anymore,we dont even talk about our relationship phofu we never talk much,siyabulisana qha when he comes to pick Ave up.Im not angry with him anymore and I told him that but wathi he doesnt deserve me and that he cant be in a relationship with me anymore when he dissappointed me.Ndayiyeke apho kenam because I couldnt beg him and our relationship would never be the same again. Ave is growing up so fast,shes almost a year old already,akagezi.My mom moved back apha endlini after yonke lento happened,she said that she never wants me out of her sight ever again,uwoh umama! Exams are over,im pretty confident nge-results zam,kuyo yonke into ebisenzeka my mom always reminded me to study,it was hard to concentrate at times kodwa I had to do it kuba I couldnt afford to repeat grade11 for the second time. I woke up at 8oclock,I had an appointment with my psychologist at 12oclock.I looked at Ave,ebesalele,I kissed her half opened mouth and got up ndaya ebathroom and peed,washed my face then brushed my teeth ndaphuma and went to the sitting room to watch t.v ndafika ndahlala ndodwa,umama was at work uteach(er)apha emtata ngoku and I could hear Nono ecula ekitchen. I watched ANT Farm.mamaa little voice said behind me,binguAve. Me:yiza nana she walked to me,yes walked!she can walk now :-) phofu ke mdala,11months yonke I picked her up and kissed her. Me:obulele? Ave:yeye? Me:ewe,wena obulele she giggled. I went to make her food ekitchen.Nono was cleaning the fridge. Me:Nono Nono:Molo sisi Ave:sisi Me:ha.a,mama kuwe Ave:mama? Me:ewe tshii Ave:yeye thssii I laughed,endaweni katshiiyena uthithsii! I made her food ndamtyisa and went to bathe her ndamnxibisa then nam I took a bath then went to my bedroom ndanxiba and got ready for my appointment. I checked the time on my phone,it was 10:30.I went to get something to eat ekitchen after that ndahamba,I had to hide from Ave ndiphume ndibaleka or I wouldve had to take her with me. I caught a taxi to town and made my way to my psychologist.I had a great session as always and went out feeling like a new person. I said goodbye to my psychologist ndaphuma xa ndiphuma ndagilwa ngumntu Me:ouch! I looked at him,yhu!Thixo onenceba engemhle.I wished bendingakhwazanga kengoku. Him:im sorry,I wasnt looking,im really sorry. Me:its fine Him:I hope youre okay,im really sorry Me:its fine...really Him:thanx...by the way ndinguLungelo Me:okay molo Lungelo he chuckled Him:awunalo wena? Me:ha.a Lungelo:ok bye ke he walked away #Avethandwa
Posted on: Sun, 03 Aug 2014 11:34:57 +0000
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