Interesting Polygamy: A First Wife Speaks Out (Reflections from a Western Wife) Polygamy remains a sensitive subject in the Kingdom and a fact of life in the Kingdom. Any woman who makes her life in the Kingdom will face it one way or another; either as an observer or as a participant whether she was willing or not. One Western woman who found herself in polygamy as a first wife after many years of marriage to her Saudi husband spoke with me very candidly about her situation in the hopes that it will help others. The Western woman has been married to her husband for more than 20 years. During the courtship period her parents readily accepted her choice of mate in spite of the differing cultures and customs. During their marriage vows in an Islamic ceremony, the husband promised to take care of his Western wife and also not to have more than one wife. After their marriage, they relocated to the Kingdom. The Western wife was warmly received by her extended Saudi family. She felt very secure in their relationship. The relationship however started to undergo a subtle change after 15 years of marriage when the husband randomly remarked that men were entitled to having more than one wife. The Western wife was surprised by that comment but did not pursue the subject. As some more time passed though the Western wife began to have an inherent sense that something was amiss in the relationship. It was not as if the husband was not loving and spending time with her but he began to travel more frequently. He was illusive about his travels such as where he was going and when exactly he would return. He not only began to spend more time on his mobile but would exit the room while talking indicating the desire that his conversation not be overheard. The Western wife learned inadvertently that her husband had married another woman some time ago and that they had had a child together as well. Naturally this was a major shock to her and for a period of time she kept this revelation solely to herself. However this strong woman decided that in her case it would be better to receive direct confirmation of the truth and chose to confront her husband. She did so in a gracious manner informing him she would prefer not to be in his way if he had chosen another. The Western wife and her husband always had a comfortable relationship and better yet, were close friends as well as lovers. His reaction to her statement was one of relief that he could acknowledge the truth to her. She had lifted a tremendous weight from his heart. That does not mean the emotions and heartache she feels has disappeared and that there is no pain. She felt the honesty was preferred over deceit and lies. Not all of her immediate family is aware that the husband took a second wife. And the Western wife does not want her children to be unduly burdened or their life disrupted or more importantly, their relationship with their father to change or be negatively impacted. She candidly shared that he told her he wanted someone else in his life if it was halal and did not want to ruin the Western wife’s life with a divorce. He reassured his wife that there were no shortcomings or her part. In fact she made a very insightful comment that perhaps when a woman makes a man a wonderful wife, he thinks all women are the same and having another one will only be more of everything. Not surprisingly a key difference in the relationship now between the Western wife and the husband is that she no longer feels secure and has concerns about the future. She does continue to have evolving emotions from betrayal, a shattering sense of loss followed by anger and depression. After all, something is broken that will never quite be the same. She now looks at the man she married in a different light knowing he is not necessarily the man she thought he was. She has gone through self-blame such as was she over-devoted to her children or put too much effort into balance the home and career and not enough emphasis on husband. The worst change she has experienced is the lack of a future; not knowing where she will be in a few years or sometimes, in even a few months. She has resolved herself to try and endure the situation because of the children. And she does still have feelings for her husband and cannot picture herself ever married to anyone else. There is the concern that the husband favors the second wife over her and whether this wife would put demands on the husband which impact on the Western wife and her life. The Western wife sagely advised that any woman married to a Saudi should always be prepared for this eventually. After 20 plus years she was certain the husband taking another wife could never happen to her. Just because one may be very much in love with the husband and putting all efforts into being a good wife there are usually other factors over which one has no control. Money is a huge detriment. The more money some men make, the more they feel privileged. A woman married to a Saudi should make sure to start early and put away money for retirement. While money isn’t proof of character it can give one some sense of security to have a house and to have some savings. It also will give one a more equal footing to evaluate if it is worthwhile staying in the relationship or starting over. The Western wife has made the choice to see this through.
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 10:55:15 +0000
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