Irony. ..fate...who knows. Oddly enough another hockey stick moment today. Looking for cushions for the outdoor furniture. Trying to not spend a lot, so stopped at about 7 stores today looking for the right ones. Last store I checked today was Daves Christmas. Figured they have seasonal items....Fingers crossed. Boy did I find something alright.... A flood of memories. I know sometimes what a person with PTSD must feel like. I walked in and wanted to walk right out. Forgot this is where I was when I got the call last year. Standing in the flag isle looking for a flag for our camper. The call came in. It was a guy working with Kev that day. Brandi... its Wayne! Kevin passed out. I lay everything down that was in my hands and start thinking like the ER nurse that is always in me. I say...Did you call 911? He says Yes. I then tell him to take him immediately to Sisters and I would meet them there. I call ahead to my friend and tell them he is coming in and I know nothing more than he passed out. Wayne calls me back I asked Can you wake him? Wayne sounds frantic. I try to pull him in and speak clearly and slowly. I ask Does he have a pulse? He said They are doing chest compressions! My heart sank. I cling on to the hope that he is young and quite possibly the hot weather caused him to pass out. This is crazy!. This cant be happening! I was then told they were taking him to Suburban. I though Oh God NO! People only go there in emergency cases.... Like my dad when he went into cardiac arrest. No this cant be. At this point I had started back towards Sisters. Got off the road and ended up at Delta Sonic on Walden. I parked the car feverishly called my friend Timothy Knight and he told me to stay put he was coming for me. I sat in my car sobbing for what felt like forever. At this point an African American woman who was parked next to me knocks on my window. I roll it down. She asked if Im ok. I said I dont know. I explained my husband just passed out and is being rushed to the hospital. At this point I get out of the car. I cant sit still. She was still watching over me. Leans over and huggs me. A stranger takes the time out of her day to console me. I wish to this day I could thank he for her kindness. Tim picks me up and we shoot down streets. Not knowing where we are. I couldnt think. I just wanted to be there. We arrive. I see friends have already beat me there. Karen was at at the door when we walk up. I beg the security guard to let me in.....He wouldnt. I explained that I am A nursse and I know I can request to be with him even if he is coding. Still wont let me back. (For this I am still angry) You see, we try and allow the families back when we are coding their family member to see that every thing is being done. In my medical mind I needed to see that. Finally what seemed like far to long they let me in. To the same room where my dad had layed and was pronounved dead also from a heart attack. Honestly how can this be happening. I spoke to Kevin three times that day. We were making plans. Giggling about being with each other later. Talking about going to see Keith Urban for our Anniversary. How could this be. He was Pissed about having to do a lawn for an open house no one told him about till that early afternoon. ...but other than that he was good. No complaints. And then I think about my kids....oh my God.....Our boys. How do I do this?! How do I tell my boys they wonderful dad is now in heaven?! How are they going to handle this? How do we carry on?! We all need him. His strength. His love. His compassion. And his guidance. Why...why...why! This is not fair to anyone. It is to painful how that part had taken place. I will say Ryan and Josh came to the hospital. I told them alone. We spoke and went in alone to say our goodbyes. We went home and then I had to tell Cameron. How does one tell a little boy who adores his daddy that he is now in heaven and will not be able to play with him anymore? It sucked the air out of me. Telling my boys the worst possible news practically broke me. But I had a choice. Do I sit in a corner holding a piece of his clothing breathing in every bit of his smell rocking back and forth .....or do I stand up, take charge of life and attempt to carry on? I chose the second one. How could I sit and wrap myself in grief and not carry on? It would be a simple choice to give up. But that is not who I am. And that is not what Kev would have wanted me to do. And that is not the example I wanted to set for my boys. So here we are a year later. Still learning our new normals. I can only hope I make that man proud of how far we have come in a year.
Posted on: Fri, 30 May 2014 03:35:10 +0000
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