Isn’t it nice when you decide to take a road trip with the family to go see your husband’s relatives? And isn’t it great that your boys are excited about going to see their cousins, aunts, and uncles in Kansas City? And isn’t it a miracle that one of your inlaws has finally agreed to take care of your MILLI (mother-in-law-living-inside) and part of this road trip is to drop her off to go live with that other inlaw after 10 years of staying with you? And isn’t it good planning when you pack the car the night before you are supposed to leave and you are able to fit all of MILLI’s belongings including all of her bibles, Jesus stuff, and other religious paraphernalia in the back of the van? And isn’t it funny when you pack the car top carrier with luggage and it looks suspicious and you hope that you don’t get pulled over during your travels by a cop because he thinks you are transporting a dead corpse? But isn’t it a shock when at 10:00 p.m. the night before you leave for Kansas City, after you’ve filled the van with almost everything you need to take on the trip, the brother-in-law who has agreed to take care of MILLI calls and says, “Sorry, something has come up and I can’t make it to Kansas this weekend, but I will come get Mom at some point…but now sure when?” And isn’t it NOT a surprise that this has happened because it has happened multiple times before and well…you get the picture? But isn’t it a relief that another of your husband’s siblings, after finding out that the same brother has once again backed out of coming to the family gathering and to pick-up his mother, says that it is okay if MILLI stays with them for a while since you’ve already had her for 10 years, you have already gotten the car packed, everyone is really wanting to go on this trip, and you can’t just pull the plug and tell your kids and MILLI that the trip is cancelled the night before? And isn’t it exhausting when Hawtism and MILLI are so enthusiastic about the trip because they don’t know what happened the previous night and are up in the morning at 6:00 a.m. ready to hop in the car and go? But isn’t it painful for you because after making yet another episode of “As the Hawthorne Family Turns” the evening before, you didn’t get much sleep and your husband went to bed extra late because he was on the phone trying to modify MILLI care plans, and now you have to drive at least 9 hours to Kansas City with the same burning fatigue you had with your new born sons and were required to get up 4 times every night for months? But isn’t it good that somehow you and your husband get everything together, you avoid having a nervous breakdown, get in the car with lots of coffee and No Doz, and start the driving marathon across the country? And isn’t it par for the course that 30 minutes after you leave the house, your Hawtism asks, “Mom, how much longer ‘till we get there?” you have to say, “8 hours, 30 minutes, and 15 seconds” (and even though your brain is on the verge of dementia due to lack of sleep, you are proud that you remembered how important including the seconds is to Hawtism), they groan, complain, and whine about how long this trip is and that they are going to die, but then they ask if they can have a snack? And isn’t it typical when you say, “Don’t complain boys, remember your Karma?” and MILLI chimes in and says, “If you believe in Karma, you aren’t a Christian?” And doesn’t it make you feel better when you realize that after this weekend you won’t have to hear this kind of stuff again for a long time…you hope?” But isn’t it expected when the Wildboys begin to get on each other’s nerves when you reach St. Louis at the lunch rush hour and they begin saying, “You’re stupid, ugly, shut up,” begin pulling hair and poking each other because they are bored and then say, “frock you” (which in their mind is okay to say because it isn’t really a cuss word)? And isn’t it amusing when you hear MILLI saying, “Ay dios mio” under her breath in reaction to her possessed by demons grandsons and you know what it means, but even after 10 years of living with you she STILL doesn’t think you know what it means and if she did know that you know what it means, she’d deny she said it because it takes the Lord’s name in vain and blah blah blah blah blaaaaahhh…? But isn’t it great when you finally arrive at your husband’s sister’s house after the 9 hour drive and you can finally have peace and be grateful you ALL made it there alive, only have ego bruises, a sore throat from yelling at your boys repeatedly that you put them on this earth and you can take them off of it too if they even breathe on each other, you don’t have diarrhea from eating all that fast food during the trip that your body isn’t used to ingesting, you survived another of MILLI’s sermons about religion and how the devil is laughing at you, and your inlaws are actually happy to see you even though you’ve transformed into Medusa? But isn’t it a rude awakening when you realize that in 3 days you will have to repeat the road trip back to Indiana with the same wild Hawtistic egomaniacal children who have inferiority complexes? But aren’t you glad that by the time you depart Kansas City for home, you’ll be caught up on your sleep, will finally be able to think, and develop a premeditated plan which is to stop by Kmart as you hit the road and buy bottled water, Benadryl, and a funnel?
Posted on: Sun, 30 Jun 2013 22:27:07 +0000