It finally happened-I got a terrible review on The Knot-a reputation damaging review which I shall now print below without the brides name so you can read what has brought me to tears today and my response to it which The Knot wouldnt print. I left a small response. This is the person who has constantly referred to me as a vendor, which Ill admit, insults me. Mixed Emotions... posted 9/30/2014 (updated 10/2/2014) My husband and I began looking for a non-religious officiant in August of 2013. We stumbled upon Sandy’s website and asked her to be a part of our special day soon after we met in person. We loved her outgoing and eclectic personality. She reminded me a lot of myself. I met with Sandy one additional time to discuss and confirm our ceremony wording and program. We changed some of the wording because her vows have the words “your children are my children” in them and we don’t plan on having any children. Instead of having a unity candle, we planned on having a tree-planting ceremony. And, we specifically emphasized that we didn’t want any mention of Jesus or God in our ceremony. She agreed that the requests were doable, but then later commented that my wedding was “extremely complicated”. During the rehearsal, our wedding coordinator was directing everyone to their places and telling them how to walk down the aisle. Sandy shouted rudely at our coordinator, “Excuse Me! This is the part I’m involved in!” Everyone was pretty shocked at her tone. I later found out that she was extremely rude to my mother-in-law during the rehearsal. When she was getting ready to leave, she asked me for final payment and I promised to give it to my coordinator to pass along before our wedding ceremony. Sandy and her husband showed up to our wedding venue about 20 minutes before our ceremony. She had a ridiculously bright pink robe on with a big cross necklace. Our coordinator kindly asked her to tuck her cross inside her robe (knowing that we’re atheists). Apparently, Sandy threw a huge fit. Our coordinator had to tell her, “This isnt your wedding!” During our ceremony, she called one of the groomsmen “Heather” whose name is “Heath”. She called my maid of honor “Laura” whose name was “Heather”. During the vows she didn’t take out the “your children are my children” part, and during the tree-planting ceremony she said loudly, “I’m not sure how we’re going to do this.” That frustrated me a little since she had over a year to figure out “how we’re going to do this.” Icing on the cake, our ceremony was ended with a ridiculous “Amen”. After the ceremony, instead of asking my coordinator (who had the check) for her final payment, she mentioned it to my grandmother. Who, of course, wanted to cover the expense and had no clue what was going on. We owed Sandy $300, but for some reason, she told my grandmother we owed $375. Our wedding party was hanging out where the ceremony took place 20 minutes after the ceremony ended before we jumped on our hay ride (this would have been a great opportunity to have the marriage license signed by our witnesses). She emailed me before our honeymoon and told us she had to wait around for us to return from our hayride to get their signatures, and apparently, we made her miss her son’s family camping trip… In the end, several guests complimented Sandy on her personality and said our ceremony was very entertaining. I’m glad that I didnt find out about a lot of the drama that was going on until after the wedding. Her husband took some lovely photos of our wedding and is a pleasure to be around. My husband and I are pretty laid back and all of our vendors were humble people. Sandy, on the other hand, was pretty high maintenance and very full of herself. WELL YOU ALL KNOW ME PRETTY WELL SO PERHAPS IT IS TRUE. Here is my response.First of all, I must say--I HAVE NOT NOW NOR HAVE I EVER OR WILL I EVER, TAKE MONEY NOT OWED TO ME. I made an error, which I corrected almost instantly. My honor isn’t for sale for $50. In 21 years and 928 weddings this was bound to happen-a bad review--I am in tears reading this. My husband says, “Please, stop crying before you respond.“ I welcome the chance to defend myself. The bride is right I DID say Amen at the end of their service (out of habit, I fear, as I am a minister, but I had it in my script so it is my fault and I most truly apologize). Amen means ‘so be it” and nothing more, just for the record. As soon as this dreaded word, “Amen” left my mouth, I knew, as a little child knows when it is in trouble, that this woman would be upset. I was upset, I felt bad about it. But you cant recall words said, not bad ones and not good ones. I did put my cross beneath my gown as per her coordinator’s request. The bride is atheist--thats her choice--I am not--thats mine, but I respect and honor others beliefs. In all other non-religious weddings I have performed, I have always worn my cross, but I did as requested. There are 75 reviews about me on weddingwire and those on The Knot, to which I am new. Those reviews attest to the fact that I work to make each couple’s wedding what they want it to be. Until today, I have never had an unfavorable review. I have been marrying people since May 1993. I spent my normal 2 hours with this couple plus another two hours on a Saturday afternoon talking with this particular bride. No, I certainly did not charge her for my time. She is the only bride in the 928 weddings I have performed who has needed this. We did talk about her tree ceremony. Was this wedding was a bit complex? Off site rehearsals, no way for me to know what the set up would be in advance and lack of access to the necessary people and special elements made it so for me, but I really did try to make it wonderful—30 or more people following the wedding seemed to feel it was wonderful, not two or three. As to the rehearsal, I certainly did interject myself into the rehearsal when it came to the actual ceremony. The ceremony IS my part of the wedding and NOT the coordinators, not the florists. This review attacks my hard earned 21 year reputation. I am most certainly not perfect. I apparently made mistakes but it was not for lack of trying to do it right. Ordinarily, I charge between $425 to $500 to travel back and forth the distance required in this wedding (281.4 miles) with an off site rehearsal and wedding. I did not charge that. I was early for both events. I couldn’t afford to sleep over and not travel. When it seemed that perhaps money might be a problem for this couple, I charged them a reduced total of $350, my normal fee for a wedding within 50 miles of St. Louis. Money obviously wasnt a problem. They had a truly splendid wedding, tastefully done, with nothing spared but possibly kindness and consideration. The charge of $350 included 1 wedding written for them, 1 rehearsal at a gold course and a total of 281.4 miles driven over 2 days. (Anyone checking such pricing will know that this is far less than anyone might expect to pay) They paid a deposit of $50. I asked to be paid the balance at the rehearsal. The bride said, Oh, I dont have my check book. Its at the hotel. She offered to run back to the hotel but I certainly couldn’t ask her to leave her rehearsal and guests, so I said, that’s alright, but “Please, pay me prior to your wedding so I can leave immediately afterward.” That did not happen. If my saying the word “Amen” ruined this woman’s perfect day, that is a real shame, but I will once again and finally apologize for that slip. I did not have access to the honor attendants following the service when they were “hanging around”. I didn’t even know where they were. As a result I was kept waiting about 1 hour 30 minutes while the wedding party went on a hayride, a wonderful idea for them—Yes, I did miss having dinner with my own family, camping about 50 miles away, but it was not the end of the world just a disappointment for me and my grandchildren. That was not her problem. Once again, I asked that the license be signed in advance of the hayride. Once again, I was not given access to people at that time. I DID say, (flawed human being that I am) I am not sure how I am going to do this in her tree ceremony. There was a peach tree to be given dirt by four people and watered as part of the ceremony. It was set up on a 6 or 8 foot table on a hillside. I had thought it was to be one a smaller round table more accessible to all 6 people. My principal concern was that the couple and their parents & grandparents would all be visible for ceremony and that I not be in their family photos. Now to address the monetary issue--when her grandmother was passing out checks, I assumed she would pay me too, but that was not the case. I had no way of knowing who would be making that distribution. I DID make an error here (using my normal minimal charges not this bride’s special charges). I told the grandmother that when I realized she did not have a check for me. I told her that the bride would prefer to pay me but she wanted to surprise her. This puts me in a strange position. When the party returned from the hayride, the coordinator handed me an envelope. I instantly told the coordinator I had been paid twice--she blew me off. I told her again and insisted on returning her grandmothers check. I kept the envelope given to me which contained a check for $250 and $50 in cash. I apologized for quoting the amount wrong but, apparently, that apology wasn‘t relayed. I left an decorative certificate for formal signing by honor attendants. Perhaps she did but I don’t believe the coordinator said to me this is not your wedding but I will avoid a “he said-she said” situation. I made an error which I corrected instantly. I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be. We are old and not wealthy but I don’t need anybody’s money enough to do such a thing and I am profoundly insulted by the suggestion that I would. The ceremony is essential to the wedding. I believe it is deserving of respect. I am not a “vendor.” No, I am not the “humble” person delivering the ice. I am a professional who is proud of the role I play in people’s lives. If I am full of myself, in that I require being treated with respect, I am no more full of myself than those arrogant people who treat others as underlings. My husband, a retired professional photographer, shots photos for the bridal couple because that is what we do—it is our wedding gift to the bride and groom. He shoots things the “real photographers” might not have time to catch because they must concentrate on different parts of the day. This happens ONLY because I ask that it happen and for no other reason. I have a disk of photos to send this bride and groom for their own use but it appears that I do not have their address. Honestly, I don’t. I willingly and of my own volition brought three gowns to this wedding so that someone could select what I wore, pal god, cream and the variegated coral to pink to russet gown I had on. Color is very important to me. I didn’t want to clash with their wedding—how many wedding ministers do you think would care about that? And I will tell you—altogether, NONE. I individually asked the coordinator, both mothers if I should change and was consistently and universally told NOT to do so, “what you have on is just fine”, so I did not change. I sincerely wish these two people every happiness in their marriage, no matter how sad and yes, angry, I am feeling now. I know this young woman felt she had reason to write as she did. I hope this review allowed her to vent her feelings. In turn, I have taken this opportunity to do the same. Amen! [ey-men, ah-men] interjection 1. it is so; so be it!
Posted on: Thu, 02 Oct 2014 18:25:42 +0000
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