It has been 6 months already, and tomorrow is the day for brain/spine MRI. I dread them because it’s waiting. Waiting to see if it is stable, waiting to see if its back. It is needles, hours of Max laying in a giant tube and me watching while floods of memories overcome. It is me wishing with everything in my soul that I could trade places with him. We celebrated when treatments were over, and I am grateful that Max is thriving each day, but remission doesn’t mean it is over. It is still ologists, and appointments and although they spread out, it is still me aware of changes in sleep patterns, moods, cognition or that headache last week. It is still making Max feel anxiety, worry and pain that no child should with each appointment and test. It is feelings of guilt when my child thrives and I get to forget about it for a few weeks, and feelings of fear when far too many others still have to fight or no longer have the chance. But, I have my scanxiety in check… for Max and Jack. I’ve gotten good at hiding my rapidly beating heart, sweaty palms, sleepless nights and racing mind with a smile on my face. By distracting the reality for Max by arranging special lunches or trips to the mall. I suppose it is just the reality of being a cancer parent.
Posted on: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 02:26:44 +0000
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