It has been about two weeks since my last post. Chemo has been going okay. I definitely feel tired. I tend to wake up with energy and after a few hours get tired and rest, then back up...and rest. My sister and nephews flew out last week for the holidays. It was AWESOME seeing how much my boys have grown and to see Ethan reunited with his cousins again. It was even enduring to see them argue amongst each other (at least the first twenty times....and then it got old). Heheheee! I did realize something from this....I cant handle loud noises as I once have....oh no....so I have become the rest of my family! Blaming it on the chemo...cant wait to get my fun back! So last week I was determined to get my hair cut since I have been informed by my doctor and nurses tomorrows round of chemo I will begin to lose my hair. They keep asking if I want a wig, but I just dont know how I feel about that...hmmm. So on the 23rd, with my sister, my cousin Candice, my nephews (Deven, Danny and Matthew), and my boys (Ethan and Brinkley) in hand, we went for it. My sister braided my hair and we handed Ethan the scissors. With 10 to 15 snips, my thick long hair was gone. The 1st snip was the hardest as the braid fall to my lap. I told myself not to cry, but as I felt the length of the remaining hair on my head, I was horrified. This is for my son! This is for my son, I mentally chanted as the snips continued. I had spoken to Ethan the reason for my haircut...mommys medicine will make me feel yuckie and cause her hair to fall out. I refuse to give this disease the power of taking my hair from me....I was determined to give the power to my boy and self. What was supposed to be a fun and exciting hair cutting party looked like doom and gloom. My nephews stared in horror as Ethan excitedly snipped away. There was no volunteers in the bunch, even my sister refused to cut the braids off. I thank God for my sons spirit, innocence and ability to have fun with it. When Ethan (my new barber) was done, it was time to introduce my new look to my husband....more like compose myself not to cry in front of the boys. Upstairs I went, braids in one hand (as proof I once had beautifully thick long hair). In I walked. I sat at the edge of the bed to let the new look seep into my husbands brain as I watched his eyes to divulge his secret thoughts. As he told me it looked good, his eyes told another. He looked at me as my eyes filled up with tears...he reminded me of how beautiful I was too him and that it was just hair. I reminded myself it was all for my son. I thought I had mentally prepared myself for this, but throughout the week as I touched my hair I felt like Samson (from the Bible). As his hair had been his power, I felt I had lost some of mine. I have had long hair for 85% of life. I told my sister of how I felt and the comparison to Samson and reminded her that it would make her Delilah. Oh we had a good laugh at that one. Okay, onward and upward....we overcame that obstacle. With me being tired the new hairdo was a blessing. My long hair had become a burden to maintain...especially with my new port. The week continued and it was once again time to say goodbye to my sister. Ugh I hate these days. Throughout the week, Ethan, Matthew and Emiley had began coughing (with a runny nose), I also had received the results of my lab work with that Tuesdays round of chemo (round #3)...my WBC (white blood count) had dropped tremendously. I had went from average 3.26 to 1.66. The bare minimum to continue chemotherapy is 1.50. Not good! I knew with each chemo my points for WBC and hemoglobin would drop, but not by this magnitude, not in seven days. It instantly put the fear in Jeff and I. With WBC that low, it makes me susceptible to inheriting colds by a sneeze 100x more. By Sunday I was forced to wear a mask and the boys were kept at a distance. This was an eye opener for everyone...my poor Ethan. I cant fathom the thoughts running through Ethans mind as he sees his mommy walking around in a mask and occasionally quarantined in her room. His little life has changed and slowly he is realizing the magnitude. I see how careful he has become with me, even with his hugs (due to my port) and I remind myself why I must continue to fight this and win. I need to give my boy back his free spirit...I want him to have his youth...and security each child should have. Life has returned to our new normal. Two weeks ago Emiley had become fussy and spitting up an hour after feeding. We changed formulas and offered gas drops to help with her fussiness. Five days went by, the crying began again....after much thought, I took to the web. I knew it wasnt colic because Ethan had been colicky and this was not it. Emiley was spitting up hours after feeding and arching her back with the burbs. I had a feeling it was stomach reflux, aka silent reflux to babies. It was suggested by the doctor to give her medicine to minimize her pain. As of today, the crying has minimized...there is a tad more sleep in the house, but I see Jeff and my mom slowly fading. It was definitely time to get help. At the begging of Jeff, we have hired on a new babysitter. She will care for Emiley on a part time bases...so Jeff and my mom and soon Nancy (Jeffs mom) can get there much needed rest. My Emiley, what a spitfire! On the positive, Jeff has come to realize the hard work it takes on caring for a child and now what it took to care for Ethan and work. Hopefully Emiley will outgrow the stomach reflux...supposedly most do by 4-6 months of age. Jeffs moms health has recovered. Praise God! She will be here next week. God has surrounded us with the support we need to get through this. My cousin has offered to drive out (3 hours one way) weekly, for a few days. Wow, we are blessed. My hopes is this weeks (tomorrows) chemo wont knock me on my butt. Tomorrow, if my WBC is above the 1.5, I will be introduced to the clinical trial drug. I wont lie, I am very nervous! Nervous on two counts. Nervous that my WBC will be below 1.5 and I will be forced to stop chemo and be given injections (boosters to replenish the white blood cells). I heard from a patient and nurse that the boosters are painful. I think by now we have all established that pain and I dont go hand in hand...at least not willingly. I am also nervous of this new drug, how I will feel with it going in me and what I will feel thereafter. I already know the 2nd drug is potent and causes tingling needle pricks in my stomach, but this 3rd drug is an unknown. There are many more obstacles I must overcome. I have posters (with the help of my sister....shoutout!) of scripture and inspirational quotes, motivating and heart-tugging music (my brother-in-laws idea) that will be an extra boost when needed. Two days ago I noticed strands of hair falling out. In the shower I look down and see hair gathered at the drain. On my pillowcase as I awake, I look down and see scattered strands. As I run my fingers through my hair I can count 3 to 4 at a time as I fling it to the ground in disgust. I cant imagine, though reality is around the corner. I sat down with Ethan the other day to explain again about mommy losing her hair. I said, Ethan I want you to remember that with this medicine mommy will be losing her hair. I know mommy, he says passively, you will be blonde. I had to think for a second, you mean I will be bald, I correct him. Oh yes, you will be bald, as he laughs at his mistaken word identity. Boy I love this kid. Please continue to pray for strength and courage for me and my family. We are 1/6th done but many obstacles ahead. Please pray my WBC count goes up without the use of boosters (though the doctor says it can only be corrected with boosters) and my red blood cells maintain. Please pray I remain healthy with no sicknesses ahead. Please pray that my son adapts (without fear) to the upcoming changes of his mommys features. Please pray that chemo works on my body (without the potential negative side effects) and this new drug being introduced tomorrow inhibits the cancer from flowing in my blood stream. Please pray that my husband remains strong (both physically and mentally) as he returns to work. That his worries and fear subsides and that he becomes a walking testimony for those around him. That he regains his strength and some of his weight loss (since October he has lost 20 pounds). I know there is a greater purpose The Lord has planned for me. Though I walk thru the valley and shadow of death I will fear not, for The Lord is with me. Thy rod and hand, they comfort me. He restores my soul. I need to continue to believe The Lords will and my will match up. I pray for at least 20 more years of renewed life. My old life is gone. I pray my new life begins come end of March/mid-April. I am forever changed!
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 11:08:59 +0000
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