It has been nearly a year since this page was created. The vividness of that night has not lessened. It has become an indelible reminder of so many things: hope, fear, mortality, patience, fellowship, and emotional resilience, to name a few. I do not have to close my eyes to see Veronica being carried out of the theater by an officer. I can still hear the emergency alarm. I can still feel the tear gas. My experience is not unique, and there are many who will read this and know exactly what I am feeling. For others, I hope that you never know. It has been a year of change. I moved out to the middle of nowhere, partly because I thought it would save a failing marriage, and partly because I wanted to keep my children away from as many potential sources of harm as possible. In the end, it did not save my marriage, and my kids are not necessarily any safer than they would have been in Aurora, but when you do not have a guidebook for dealing with trauma, you improvise. It has been a year of media exposure. I have learned to avoid saying anything remotely political in most places, as opinions have a tendency to become printed editorial. It has not been all bad, but I am more aware of the power of editing than I ever was before. It has been a year of mixed emotions. Actually, confused emotions, or even extremely powerful “this is going to make you cry like somebody who just got hit by a hammer and found out their dog has gone to pasture” emotions. I find myself affected by these emotional hit-and-runs all the time now. It could be some song on the radio, or the accident I came upon in which I had to ask my children to look at their feet while we drove past a totaled Jeep with an obviously dead driver; there are so many opportunities for emotional swing. I will admit that I have not mastered them yet. They hit me when they want to hit me, and the only thing I can do is ride it out. I suspect this might be the only thing a person really can do, but will likely find out as the years go on. It has been a year of making new friends. I have been fortunate enough to become close to many volunteer efforts, such as facebook/auroratheatershooting, as well as the Rebel Project. The Rebels have been a huge bright spot for me, as they all know what I am going through, and are all the coolest people a person could hope to meet. I love them all, and I am not liberal with that word. I suppose it has been a year of redefining my concept of a difficult situation. Since the shooting, I have been separated from my wife of nearly seven years, operated on for an emergency appendectomy, evacuated from my new home due to fire danger, treated for a very nasty case of kidney stones (as if there is any other kind of case!), and I have even seen some close friends lose themselves to some tricky personal demons. However, this year has also redefined what I hold dear. I have watched my children naturally do all that they could to survive a strange situation with their parents, as well as become little ambassadors of hope when I am down. I was fortunate enough to be the first person from my grandfather’s line to graduate college, and was admitted into the University of Denver’s Sturm College of law. I have become a connoisseur of self-dating, and have perfected the art of taking myself to dinner and a movie. I have also received love from so many people that I am generally overcome by their complete compassion and understanding. I am more fortunate than I can express, and grateful beyond measure. This has been a year that many will remember. In a couple days, many of us will be engaged in the act of remembering a very difficult night. I do not have any idea how this is going to feel, and cannot give much advice in that regard. I suppose it is safe to say that we will all be affected on Saturday, and many of us before and after. Perhaps it is different every anniversary, or maybe we get better at anticipating and planning. I do not really know. What I DO know is that we are a family now. The lines of demarcation are completely arbitrary. I was in a theater with Republicans, Democrats, Military, Civilians, People of color, and people as pale as I am. We are unified, and while it may seem like an idealistic cliché, it is a truth. We have shared an experience that has forcefully thrust us into the same group: a result, which is not so bad when you consider how large our web of community has become. We really are only separated by our own concepts of difference, and things like this are a brutal reminder that we are all the same in one very important way: we can all be taken from this world without notice. I will never meet most of you, but you have gotten me through some very rough times. As well, you have shared in some very uplifting times too. Often, your kind words were the source of those uplifting times. Whatever it is you do on Saturday, please remember that not even one of us knows how to handle this kind of grief: not really. We are all improvising, and while some may do it very successfully, there are some who will struggle for a long time. It takes nothing for you to be kind to your neighbors. Nor does it cost you anything to smile at the people who pass you by. When you take the time to recognize that you are just one person in this vast world, and that you are simply trying to keep from suffering, you have gained access to a truth that has the potential to change the way we treat everybody, and that truth is this: EVERYBODY is trying to keep from suffering, and EVERYBODY wants to be happy; even the ones who seem to thrive on being down. I realize posts like these can be accused of soap boxing some sentimental “we are all the same, and we need to love each other” stuff, and I will proudly accept such criticism. If this year has taught me anything, it has taught me that a person cannot have too many friends, and the kindness of strangers is one of life’s most precious gifts. So, while Saturday marks a day that has certainly changed so many of us, and in a myriad ways, please remember that Saturday is also simply the 20th day of July, and it just so happens to be the same day that someone did something unthinkable. Recognize the latter, but do not let it overshadow the former. Reclaim that day as YOUR day. Do something that will make you smile, and if you can make someone else smile, then you have just doubled some happiness. If you have anything kind to add to this, please do not hesitate to comment below. Remember, the kindness of strangers… -Cody
Posted on: Fri, 19 Jul 2013 04:11:39 +0000
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