It is 8am and the dog barking woke me at 7am. I looked out the window to see a white world out there. While it isnt bitter cold, it sure is white. I supposed Id take the snow over the bitter cold but Im thinking about how nice it would be to live somewhere without either. Lexi and Hannah are in the floor being as good as you could ask two dogs to be considering the upheaval and change in routines for them. In a way, I guess Im teaching them to be just like me? I like routines...in fact I love them. However, in the last year or so all of my routines have gone out the door. Im not sure how I feel about it all. Ive sort of shut everything off so that Im not bothered by outside stimulus anymore, if you know what I mean? I dont cry anymore. I dont let people screwing me over even surprise me anymore. I sort of expect it. When it doesnt happen, then Im surprised. I am waiting to be surprised. I am waiting on one person out there who can surprise me. Im not sure that she exists anymore. This morning I am thinking about a really nice woman that I pretty much blew off over the summer because she went away to deal with issues and said shed be back. By the time she came back, I was talking to Gina and things had sort of changed. I hadnt heard from her in months and I never thought Id hear from her again to be honest. I figured all the wait for me stuff was just another line...another web. Suddenly one day she popped up. She didnt say much, just that she understood and wished me well. Told me to take care of me and that I could still call her a friend. Then she immediately deactivated her page. Now, considering what Gina has done to me....makes me wonder if I chose the wrong person...or were they both just the wrong person? Second guessing myself has become my favorite hobby. It seems that no matter how careful I am, people are just not to be trusted either with your feelings, your heart or your personal business anymore. It really sucks. Maybe Im too picky? I dont think I am, but sometimes I wonder. I look around me and I see all the idiots paired up and I think to myself, really? That fool has a girlfriend? That transparent, self-centered jack hole has a wife? Im an asshole at times, I know this...but I treat my girlfriends like queens. Im only an asshole because I stand up for things that others wont and I stand by what is right versus what is wrong. I dont believe in cheating...emotionally, physically or otherwise. Now, as it stands, all the plans I had made over the last five months are officially out the window. Truth be told, New Jersey was the last place on the earth I wanted to visit much less live. I was only doing it for her, so that she could be there for a dying parent and her son who is having some growing pains still at age 18. So now I am free to go anywhere or do anything again. I find this daunting. My mood has been somber over the past two days and it is far less about Gina and the things she did and more about, where do I go? What do I do? Once I have my money I can honestly go and do anything. While that may seem like a really cool thing, it honestly isnt because the choices are overwhelming. Im very torn as to what to do. I know what I do NOT want: I do not want to stay in Illinois. The weather here is just too cold and nasty this time of year. I have thought about Portland, which is where I was talking about before the whole Gina thing came about. The only potential trouble with Portland is that it is wet and rainy a lot and I am honestly thinking about my joints and physical comfort levels. I am an eclectic sort of person. I love art and music, but I dont really drink. This doesnt make going out to enjoy either of those things much fun. I will sometimes go to outdoor venues to enjoy these things but I dont like huge crowds when I do so. I enjoy entertaining at home, but the last time I invited a group of about 20 people over for the holidays, an entire bag of some of my most prized pieces of jewelry came up missing. These were things I had actually handmade. I could never replace them. I was disappointed and now extremely cautious of who I let in my space. I dont make friends, real friends, all that easily and I keep my deepest wounds and things to myself. I have only me in the end and I choose to keep it that way for now. So where does a person with PTSD who hates crowds, generally doesnt trust people, enjoys art, music and REAL people with intellectual conversations go? Lets see....I need somewhere warm and preferable arid. Sounds like I need wide open spaces...or at least the views. I need educated people who have similar views on the world as I do. With this in mind, where do YOU think I should live? I have a place in mind. Lets see if you can guess it.
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 14:52:32 +0000
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