It is a resplendent morning- oh the bright promise of a warm sunny morning! Yesterday, was the day of actually accepting the end of my relationship with Sharon, and feeling the full force and sting of her words and hostilely; the deep pain of someone you love, and who is suppose to love you, suddenly full of wraith and hatred for you. While I had, prior to yesterday, walked the walk of ending the relationship, it wasn’t quite entirely felt or believed. I kept expecting Sharon quit her tirade of degrading anger and hostility and want to sit down and just talk to me. But I confess that my choice after twenty for hours of receiving cruel and degrading remarks and harsh judgments to mirror just a little of that to her only fueled her rage and intent to wound me emotionally. So the sunset and I was deeply grieved; ached in my heart and mind, felt a deep sense of worthlessness, which was ironically okay in a fashion. I do at times try to embrace a sense of worthlessness and purposelessness; as the opposite aim of the ego. I try to rid myself of the million wants social programming has placed within my mind, and listen to my own faint signal of being. Still, they were grating emotions, and I missed her, as the charm of my memories of filled my mind. But surrender and let go, love is no love at all that ever seeks to wound the one that is loved. I spent the night in my truck, which in its own way, was delightful. Years I’ve spent in that truck, so there is a certain familiarity and sentimentality to it. I’ll spend tonight in the truck, and then tomorrow night at the new place. I hope all will go well tonight. My truck is parked in a neighborhood, and someone could complain. I’m sure the police would accommodate me for one more night though; they know me, and are pretty gracious toward me. A couple of youths interrupted my sleep with a flashlight and some noise; they, perhaps, were trying to get in the truck. Newt growled, a real novelty, except when another dog is involved. I woke refreshed, and again, the day is resplendent one.
Posted on: Sat, 08 Jun 2013 15:54:01 +0000
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