It is as if I dont exist. If you go through our family photographs, Im not there. There are zero pictures of me playing in the bright green summer grass with my sweet babies. There are almost no pictures of me splashing in the pool with my boys. I rarely allowed myself to be photographed and NEVER in the summer. Ever. I hated the way I looked. I hated my double chin, my thunder thighs and my wide ass. I hated my chubby cheeks. And my blasted muffin top, that roll of chub at the top of my shorts. Those things are all gone now. Im 5 to 6 sizes smaller than I used to be but that doesnt change the fact that there are still no photos of me. There are no photos of me smelling their sweaty-sweet baby heads. Or introducing the boys to the ocean for the first time. And you know what? Having only one chin now doesnt diminish my memories of our trip to Disney. And the few photos that do exist? Well, they look different to me now. I marvel at how thick and shiny my hair was before I started coloring it all the time. I notice how smooth my face is, free from the little crinkles that I have at the corners of my eyes now. I didnt have rosacea then so my complexion is much clearer. And my eyes were a little greener. And I look younger. A lot. Before the pressure of two busy nuggets and a successful career started to map their way across my face ... I look so much younger. Im happy with the fitness progress Ive made but I have nothing to compare it to. I refused to be photographed. Period. And that makes me frustrated today. But it is today so there is nothing I can do about the back then. Today and tomorrow we can we present. We can be in front and not in back. From now on, I will be there. Always. We all need a marked up roadmap to remind us of where we have been.
Posted on: Mon, 30 Jun 2014 21:00:48 +0000