It is coming up on to the eight month mark of my mothers passing .... It seems forever that I have seen her yet only eight months have gone by. . I cant tell you how many times during a given day I stop and think I should call my mom or I have to tell my mom this .... Then it hits me .... There are no phones in heaven. ..... It shoots me right through my heart and continues down into that spot in your gut that aches the most and instantly when ever we feel such deep emotion of loss , longing , or despair . Sometimes I start to cry , even all these months later tearing up at just the thought of her and of my father , comes quickly and often with out warning I have been experiencing a strange thing for the past several months .. Havent told but a couple people , not in fear that they would think I am crazy , everyone already knows that I am that. ! I have kept it close to myself trying to figure out what it might be . I can come to only one conclusion . Or maybe the one conclusion. I want it to be ..... I am in a particular room in my home most of the day and well into the night these days , as most of you know I paint furniture now . And I have had sensations while in there that have no explanation . I at usually sitting or kneeling on the floor or close to it , and I will bd painting when I feel someone touch me . It can be my leg , my arm ,or my back . It is so distinctively a touch that I respond to it , thinking it is one of the dogs usually because we are the only ones there . I respond by first saying just a minute to Jack or Charlie that poke me with their noses or lean on me when they need to go out . Then I finish my paint stroke and turn to talk more to them only to see they are not there . They std no where near me . Sound asleep across the room in their beds away from me ..... I am never afraid when these moments happen . Yet if someone told me this was happening I would think I would be jumping up and running out the front door screaming . What I do instead is first think thats weird .... Now I just say Hi mom Seven months ago after I had packed up all my parents belongings and my own , preparing our family home for sale . The home that for the past sixty years had been the Theodore residence . The only place my mother ever wanted to be She loved her home so much . The day I pulled out of the driveway for the last time .... Feeling so many emotions , knowing I would never again have a place to really go home to , ever again . A feeling so gripping because if had always been my safe spot . The one place in the whole world I knew I could go no matter what , and I would be safe , what ever bad that might have happened could be fixed or comforted ... I had always had that safety net , that protection seal between me and the bad things in life that could happen to me .... All of a sudden it was gone . Along with both my parents , our family home. .... My comfort shield was gone , leaving me open to terror , fear of the what if s. . The month leading up to my mothers death she had pulled herself out from her altered Alzheimers state a hand full of times , which I knew took every ounce of will and desire to be able to gain control over the ravages of the disease , the loss of her memories , her realities ... She would out of the blue call my name and the voice I would gear sound be that of my mothers ,not the frail and confused woman she had become . I would look over to meet her eyes and again seeing in them .... My mothers eyes . If ever you lose a loved one to Alzheimers it will be one of the most haunting of all the things you will experience . The look in the eyes of the person you have loved and you see they are no longer there . But for those moments when she so desperately needed to let me know something there she was I could see into her soul and found her . Most every thing she told me at those times lead to one thing ... She loved me more than I would ever know and that no matter what happened she wanted be to know she would always be with me . Always. ....... When I pulled out and away from that driveway and room my last look at what had been our family home that day. ... I said out loud follow me mom ... I dont want you not being able to find me ... Its so far and I know you dont want to leave here .... But I have to so please follow me where I go . ...,, and she has . I know it is my mothers touch I feel in those quite moments while I am still and no other outside distraction can mask or make me miss the moment . I feel this touch as solid as if you yourself had laid your hand on my arm . It isnt a tingle ,or my leg going to sleep. ... It is a distinctive gentle touch .. I just feel the love of it ... It is a touch of hey I am here with you , you are alright .... I am keeping you safe ..... I am and always will be your safe spot ..... You may think this is crazy .... But I know its what love can do ... It can move mountains Cross boy boundaries like nothing in the world can .... My mothers love has done that for me ~ thanks mom .... I love you too !
Posted on: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 17:09:01 +0000
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