It is hard to believe that exactly a year ago (July 24) our mother sighed, took her last breath , and drifted off. With the participation of family, friends, care-workers who were seen as friends and family, medical and nursing personnel, and finally hospice, she was able to live out her full life at home, all 96 years, nine months,and eighteen days. She had needed full time care during the last years of her life, and it seems remarkable, in reflection, how graciously and gratefully she accepted that. She welcomed the loving care and frequent friendly banter of those who cared for her, friends and relatives and caring professionals who visited, and looked forward to the regular and frequent visits from her two sons (my brother Ed who faithfully drove fro his home over an hour away, to do shopping and visiting each week, while I visited far more, being only five minutes away.) Her ready acceptance of all this help and loving attention was most remarkable when looked at in the context of her full life. And it is a look at that full life, not just the last less active years, that I care to share here. Rose had always seen her role as making life and home comfortable and welcoming for others. Her hospitality included inviting every school teacher I had in elementary school through eighth grade, over for dinner. And as one of the first families moving into Hickory Hill, ours was an automatic invitation to later arrivals, to come for dinner often even before they had unpacked... This tradition did not stop when the original thirty two families had occupied their homes. It continued with stories like Peter Hortons sharing this... Still remember the day 20 years ago that we moved into Hickory Hill. Your mom showed up at our door and offered to look after our young girls while we sorted out boxes and beds. Off they went with this woman. They returned with handfuls of raspberries. And from then until eternity that woman is known as Raspberry Rose in our house. And the same experience, perhaps even more extreme, when the Chipmans moved next door, and the Strakoshes across the street, They found the Seligers to be the best neighbors they could have imagined, with exchanges of dinners, looking out for children, shared tools and resources, etc. Two way deep sharing relationships. And when relatives-- an uncle, Roses father, her sisters children, needed a place to be for extended periods of time, the home was home, welcoming, family. (Yes, there was competitiveness with her mother-in-law, who was always looking to find something that could be criticized. But that just became a challenge to rise up to, and us kids never saw it erupt into open hostilities...) Too many examples to go into here. But let it be said that not one workman ever came to the house that was not offered juice and cookies while they worked there, and no neighbor with need was ever denied whatever help there was to offer. (That does not mean that there were not insults and arguments that arose around Bridge tables and tennis courts. Rose sometimes denied that she was wrong when others might disagree, sometimes leaving our father apologizing or begging for peace with Please let her have this one...) But as a great couple that played together throughout their more than fifty years of marriage, and maintained good friendships throughout their lives, it was appropriate for Jim Hadley to present them with a Tennis Trophy at their fiftieth wedding anniversary, labelled Longest Lasting Doubles Team... That was almost twenty years ago, less than two years before our father passed away. Our parents partnership began with a meeting at a party some time after she had graduated from Brooklyn College in 1937, and their marriage on December 25 (yep), 1940, and was an extremely close bond (with the exception of time he served on the European Front in World War II) from then until his death (unsuccessful open heart surgery) about twenty years ago. Even when away during the war, there was a stream of correspondence limited somewhat by army censors.... They were a team that traveled together, always had dinner together at the same time ( what family stability that provided!), and consulted each other on decisions of many kinds ... But when our father was diagnosed with diabetes, Rose immediately added to her reams of collected recipes and cookbooks, all that should be known abut how to provide healthy options for a diabetic.The routines did not change, nor did the quality of the home cooked meals, but the care for her husband was clear there. When it came to cookies, though, she made two batches at a time, one with sugar, one not. When my father died, Rose carried on but how deeply it effected her could be seen when a phone call came in for him after he had passed away. She would become angry at the caller, probably reflecting her own submerged feelings about his absence from her life. Nonetheless she carried on as an active part of the Hickory Hill Community, still involved with town activities and bridge playing friends around the county. That, and family, provided a fine ongoing life. As a parent, she was active, caring , supportive, consistent, and as we would step forth to confront the worst elements of our society, a worrier. I was fortunate to have Uncle Ted and Aunt Eileen, aged halfway between me and my parents, to reassure them that whatever I might do, they had done,and survived. And that it was the right thing to be doing. To a large extent I served that same role for my brother. But she was there for us, especially when my brother chose not to participate in air raid shelter drills while in high school. As a grandparent, she was very accepting, sometimes seeming to wonder about what some of her (3) grandchildren were up to, but always welcoming them without questions...She watched some of my sons baseball games, gave and attended parties, and listened and watched. She also remained a good friend with Linda, my sons mother, always keeping her as a welcomed part of the family, even when she and I were divorced. Im sure that that friendship contributed to my being able to say that, especially these days, Linda and I have a better divorced relationship than many people we know have marriages. Our mother was born a twin, born first of the two, the one who went on to college, left Brooklyn behind, had a child first. They both ended up marrying men named Harry, both had two children, both had reason to be proud of them. Both were feisty in their own very different ways. But the older they got, the more they cared for and about each other. Not that they werent consistent with their lifelong personal quirks, which could flare openly or subtly from time to time. Her twin sister, Sarah, passed on four years before Rose, and it was clear that Rose missed the opportunities to talk with her (usually by phone) in those last years... Perhaps we will hold a gathering in the future, to share family and community stories, but this is not yet planned. But for now, I will certainly continue to acknowledge July 24 as an important date commemorating the final chapter in a full admirable beloved life, but I will also celebrate her birthday (Oct 6), Mothers Day, and our parents wedding day (Dec. 25, easy to remember) as special days to remember her. Ill also celebrate Hickory Hill Founders Day each Fall, as the beginning of a story of community and cooperation that was home and center for friendships over the past 64 years
Posted on: Thu, 24 Jul 2014 22:52:44 +0000
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